Ch.8. (The Power of a Parent’s Blessing)

BLESSING YOUR CHILD AT THE TIME OF PUBERTY

 

While each of the seven critical times of blessing are important, puberty is perhaps one of the most impacting times to bless your child. Puberty is when a child is released into his adult identity. The inner image as a man or woman that is established at this critical time will impact the future course of the child's life.

 

KEY ROLE PLAYER

 

While both parents are very important at each critical time of blessing, at puberty the father is the primary role player in blessing the child. In all the preceding years Mom is the key parent God uses to impart security and an ability to trust others in the child. However, at puberty and throughout the teen years Dad steps on center stage as the key person God uses to establish gender identity and release the child into his adult destiny.

 

Every culture of the world has a tradition or ceremony to release a boy into manhood and a girl into womanhood except our modern Western culture. We have no such rite of passage. In virtually every culture the father through his blessing cuts the emotional umbilical cord that links the child to the mother and releases the child into his or her adult identity and destiny. Mothers were not naturally designed to do this any more than fathers were designed to give birth.

 

God has given fathers and mothers completely different roles to play in their children's lives. Mothers were designed to do two key things: give birth and nurture. Fathers were designed to accomplish two completely different things: establish a child's gender identity and release him into his adult destiny.

 

Even at conception it is the father's seed that determines the gender of the child. Genetically a female has two X chromosomes (XX), while a male has an X and•a Y (XY). So in conception the only chromosome the mother can contribute to the child is an X while the father can contribute either an X or a Y. If the chromosome contributed in the seed of the father is an X, the child will be a female, but the child will be male if the father contributes a Y chromosome.

 

I have also noticed God's design in the different way men and women hold a baby. Mothers tend to focus a child inward, holding the child toward her and cuddling him, while fathers tend to focus a child outward. Dads usually put the baby in the palm of their hand facing outward, thus showing the baby the outside world.

 

I also have observed that many couples divorce right before their firstborn reaches puberty (around age twelve or thirteen). Why is this? I believe this is part of a specific strategy of the enemy to remove the father from his children's lives during the teenage years. The father is the anointed and appointed agent to release a boy to be a man and a girl to be a woman. If he is out of the picture, then the devil will be able to use peers, movies, and circumstances to answer the child's key identity question with his false, destructive message.

 

If a divorce does occur, children most often live with their mother. Frequently in the early teen years the child suddenly says he wants to go live with his dad, and Mom may be horrified. She may respond by saying, "Why on earth would you want to go live with your father? Don't you know that he is a godless, alcoholic heathen? It would be crazy for you to go live with him."

 

However, there is something in the heart of that child that knows Dad has something he needs. That something is the father's blessing. Very few mothers understand this need in the hearts of their children, but it was designed by God to release him or her into manhood or womanhood. I believe the unavailability of a father to bless his children and release them into their adult identities at the time of puberty is one of the reasons God says He hates divorce (Mal. 2:16). Far too many couples choose to divorce without considering the generational consequence it will have on their children and grandchildren.

 

There is an intense spiritual battle to keep fathers from spiritually and emotionally connecting with their children. Tris is why the prophet Malachi says, "Behold, I am going to send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and terrible day of the LORD. He will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and smite the land with a curse" (Mal. 4:5—6, emphasis added).

 

This verse is not talking about the heart of a mother being turned toward her children but the heart of the father. Why would this be? As I considered this, it occurred to me that it is not diffcult to turn the heart of a mother to her children. In fact, it is diffcult to get the heart of a mother to release her children. What is more challenging, especially in the teen years, is to get the father to emotionally connect with his children. He is often focused on his career, finances, sports, and many things other than his children. This is why the yerse says God will turn the hearts of fathers to their children as the spirit of Elijah is released on the earth.

 

As I mentioned earlier, the Lord Jesus Christ did not begin His ministry until He had received the blessing of His heavenly Father. Again, if the father's blessing was so important that Jesus didn't do one miracle, preach one sermon, or begin His ministry until He had received it, how much more important is it for us today?

 

 

WHAT ABOUT SINGLE MOMS?

 

Some single moms may be asking, "What am I to do? The father of my children is not available to bless them. How can my children be blessed and released into their adult destinies?" While a mother can and should bless her children throughout their lives, she really cannot fulfill this role. It is the father who is called to establish adult identity and release his children into their destiny during the teenage years.

 

However, when a biological father is unavailable, God will identify other men who might fulfill this role in the lives of the children. There might be a godly grandfather, uncle, pastor, teacher, or coach whom a mother could ask to step into this role for her son or daughter. If you are a single mom, I would encourage you to begin asking the Lord whom He has prepared to help you train your child to have godly character and pray a blessing to release him into his adult identity and destiny.

 

Some mothers have written off their children's fathers as someone who could bless their children because he is not a believer. I would encourage you not to discount the father even if he does not know God or is irresponsible in many areas of life. God may still use him to impart meaningful blessing to his children.

 

I have heard testimonies from many mothers who were shocked that their child's father agreed to participate in a ceremony to bless his son or daughter at puberty. Others have said God powerfully used a father despite his flaws to bless his child through his words even though he was not a godly man. So if you are separated or divorced, I encourage you to ask your children's father to consider blessing his children even if he has not been responsible in other ways. He still holds a key that God may use to unlock the future for his children even though he may not fully understand what he is doing.

 

If the father is unwilling or unavailable to bless his children, the body of Messiah is called to step in. (See James 1:27.) Godly men in the church are called to rise up and be fathers to the fatherless. Several pastors have shared with me the lifechanging fruit that resulted when they or other godly men in the church took a young man under their wing. They trained and prepared the boy for adulthood and then conducted a blessing ceremony to release that boy into his manhood. I have also seen godly pastors do the same for a young woman and bless her in a ceremony to release her as a woman. Single moms, don't despair. Ask God whom He would like to use, and when and how He would like to bless your children and release them to be men and women of God.

 

 

KEY QUESTION TO BE ANSWERED

 

The key questions that either God or Satan will answer through parents during puberty are: Do I have what it takes to be a man/woman? Am I adequate to fulfill my calling as a man/ woman?

 

If you recall, puberty can be a time of great insecurity. Your life is changing - physically, emotionally, and intellectually. The key message the devil wants to send at this time is, "You are inadequate. You don't have what it takes to be a man/woman. You're not as well developed as other boys/girls your age. You are just a little kid and will never be a real man/woman."

 

This is a time when teens may be required to change clothes in front of their peers in a locker room for sports teams and physical education classes in school. Everyone is usually checking each other out and sometimes making comments about one another's physical development. The enemy will always see to it that there is at least one kid there to criticize the others. So this is a time of self-consciousness, self-doubt, and awkwardness.

 

God intended for a father to be there to answer his child's heart question with a resounding, "Yes, you are adequate. You have everything you need to be the man/woman God has called you to be. You are not a little child any more. You are a young man/woman. Nothing more is required. You have what it takes, and this day I release you to be a man/woman!"

 

Now, men and women tend to perceive value and adequacy in very different ways and thus have slightly different inner heart questions they need their fathers to answer. When a man's heart asks, "Am I adequate?", he usually wants to know, "Am I powerful? Am I a force to be reckoned with? Do I have a purpose to fulfill?

 

Do I have the intelligence and skills to fulfill that purpose - to do something significant - and will my work really make a difference on the earth? Would someone actually pay me significant money for my ideas and/or skills? Do I have what it takes to attract a woman who will unite with me in my life's purpose and calling? Do I really have what it takes to fulfill a wife sexually, emotionally, and financially, to protect her and provide for her, or will I be found lacking?"

 

When a woman's heart asks, "Am I adequate?", she usually wants to know, "Am I beautiful and enchanting? Am I worth pursuing? Am I attractive enough (spiritually, emotionally, and sexually) for a man to risk his life to pursue and fight for me? Is there a man who will love me so much that he would kill the dragon, swim the moat, scale the castle wall, kill the evil prince, rescue me from the tower, and take me off on a white horse into the adventure of a lifetime? Or will I be alone all my life because I am too fat, ugly, or stupid for anyone to ever want me?"

 

A father is the one who can impart God's answer to these key questions into the heart of his son or daughter at puberty. How that father relates to his daughter at this critical time in life establishes an expectation in her heart of how she will be treated by men in general and by her future husband specifically. How the father relates to his son establishes in his heart an expectation of how he will be treated by employers and others in the marketplace.

 

 

BLESSING AND CURSING AT PUBERTY

 

Every culture in the world has ceremonies, traditions, and rites of passage at puberty to release a boy to be a man and a girl to be a woman. While the traditions and ceremonies may vary from culture to culture, the basic elements of blessing remain the same.

 

Blessing at the time of puberty may include:

 

1. The parents learning to separate identity from behavior in order to bless the identity of the son/ daughter even while

    correcting his behavior

 

2. The parents creating a safe home environment, which facilitates the open sharing of feelings and experiences between

    the father and the son or daughter

 

3. The father accepting and blessing his child in a correct and healthy way, thereby severing the childhood identity from

    the mother and releasing his son/daughter into manhood/womanhood

 

4. An initiation into manhood/womanhood that the father orchestrates

 

 

Cursing at the time of puberty may include:

 

1. The parents shaming and cursing the child's identity while attempting to correct his behavior

 

2. The father preventing the children from openly sharing their feelings and experiences with him because of divorce or 

    his ignorance, insecurity, apathy, desertion, death, or the like

 

3. The father not accepting, blessing, or releasing his children, and the identity of the son or daughter remaining bound to

    the mother, causing the son/daughter to still feel like a child even into adulthood

 

4. The father manifesting an attitude of shame or embarrassment over the physical changes in his son or daughter

 

5. The son or daughter experiencing physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, resulting in a feeling of uncleanness and

    worthlessness

 

POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES 
OF BLESSING AND CURSING AT PUBERTY

 It is God's intent that every son and daughter receive a powerful impartation of identity and destiny from his or her father at the time of puberty. I believe this impartation is to come in the form of a public, ceremonial blessing. This blessing empowers the son or daughter to prosper in adulthood and brings emotional closure to childhood. The father and/or other key men in the community of believers are the ones who are appointed and anointed to impart this blessing.

 In Hebrew tradition the son or daughter who is released into adulthood is called a bar mitzvah (son) or bat mitzvah (daughter), meaning "son or daughter of the commandment." As I was seeking the Lord for a term we might use in our new covenant culture, I came upon the Hebrew phrase bar barakah (or bat barakah), which means "son (or daughter) of
the blessing." This phrase has become popular in many congregations that have made blessing at the time of puberty a regular part of their congregational culture. But it is not so important what you call the experience so long as you make it a regular part of your family and community culture.

 I have found three key components to the blessing at the time of puberty: instruction, ceremony, and celebration. We will look at each in more detail later in the Blessing Toolbox, but right now I want to discuss the concept of ceremony because I believe this is a crucial element of the blessing.

CEREMONY BRINGS
SPIRITUAL AND EMOTIONAL CLOSURE

 I believe we have lost the value of ceremony in our modern Western culture. A ceremony tends to bring spiritual and emotional closure to a phase of life, and it often releases an individual into a new phase. This is true of a wedding ceremony. A legitimate wedding ceremony brings spiritual, emotional, and physical closure to single life and releases the couple into married life. I believe God intended for the ceremonial blessing at the time of puberty to bring the same type of emotional closure to childhood and release that individual into life as an adult.

 In cultures that regularly have rites of passage ceremonies, the young man or woman does experience spiritual and emotional closure and release into a new phase of life. For example, in Orthodox Jewish culture, if you ask a teenager, "Are you a man? ", he will answer definitively yes or no. Why? Because there will be a ceremony (bar mitzvah) that releases him to be a man. After that day he will dress differently and have privileges and responsibilities he did not have before. In most cases the boy's feelings actually change at that time as well.

 On the other hand, I have discovered that many people who have never been ceremonially blessed at the time of puberty retain feelings of being a little boy or girl into adulthood. If you ask people, "When does one become a man/woman?", their answers likely will vary. I've heard people say, "At age eighteen," "At age twenty-one," "When you learn to drive," "When you get married," "When you first have sex," "When you have a child," and more. The point is that no one really knows.

 In reality, God intended for the ceremonial blessing of the father to spiritually and emotionally release a boy to be a man or a girl to be a woman. Without that blessing many people spend a lifetime waiting to finally feel like an adult. That feeling will not go away at any particular age because God designed it to end when the child's emotional umbilical cord is cut through a ceremonial blessing that the father leads. You may recall the story about Luis, who felt and behaved like an angry little boy until his sixty-fifth birthday when his father blessed him and released him to be a man. On that day Luis actually felt like a man for the first time in his life. God had intended for this to happen some fifty years earlier, but unfortunately, though they were Christians, this family did not grow up in a culture of blessing.

 In some cultures fathers understand that they are responsible to release their sons to be men but do so in perverted ways. Some men have told me that in their mid-teen years, their dads took them out to get drunk and arranged to have them spend a night with a prostitute to initiate their sex life. Rather than generating a confident feeling of manhood, the actions of these fathers only led to feelings of guilt, shame, defilement, and addiction.

 People whose fathers never released them into adulthood at puberty try to do something they think will make the feeling of being a child go away. Men may join a gang, which has its own rite of passage through which boys become men. They may join the military or attempt to achieve success in sports or their careers. A woman may do similar things seeking to
become a "real woman." She may become promiscuous trying to attract men, or also seek financial status or athletic or career success. None of these will ever substitute for a father's blessing or dispel the insecure feelings of childhood.

GOD's PROTECTIVE MEASURES 
IN ANCIENT HEBREW CULTURE

God placed two key protective measures in ancient Hebrew to ensure children were blessed at puberty:

 1.  A rite of passage ceremony practiced at puberty
 2. The Law of Moses (Torah), which taught parents by practical example to separate identity from behavior and how to

     govern by offering choices with consequences rather than by cursing identity in an attempt to control behavior.

 In ancient Hebrew culture every family held a ceremony to release a child into his adult identity. Every son and most daughters were expected to pass through a rite of passage ceremony on their twelfth or thirteenth birthday. At that time the father would bless the child, and the community would receive him into the fellowship of adults. While there was almost always a ceremony to release a boy to be a man, unfortunately there was not always such a ceremony for the girls. As we incorporate this blessing tradition into our families and communities, we must realize that girls need this blessing just as much as boys do.

 God used the blessing of the father at puberty to seal inside the young man or woman an appropriate adult gender identity. Even today in Hebrew culture and other cultures that practice rite of passage ceremonies, there seems to be very little gender confusion. In contrast, because of the blessing deficit in our modern culture, we see a great deal of gender confusion in adult life.

 A second protective measure God placed in ancient Hebrew culture was the cultural acceptance of the Law of Moses (the Torah). In the first five books of the Bible God taught His people His system of governing, which was to offer choices with consequences (Deut. 30:19). By giving a commandment, teaching, and prescribing a consequence for violation (Prov. 6:23), God taught parents and families by example how to separate identity from behavior. Thus there was a great chance if you grew up in this culture that your parents would have used God's system of government rather than Satan's to govern your behavior in the family.

 Today many parents repeat the pattern of past generations and use Satan's system of control to govern the behavior of their children in the teenage years. Again, we can change this in our families for the next generation.

 

   *** BLESSING TOOLBOX ***

 As in the previous chapters I want to share some specific prayers you can pray over your children at the time of puberty. We will begin with remedial prayers you can pray if you failed to bless your children at puberty and they are now past that age. We will then look in some detail at how you can bless your son or daughter at the time of puberty.

REMEDIAL PRAYERS TO BREAK THE CURSE

 If you missed the opportunity to bless your child at puberty and he or she is much older now, plan to conduct a ceremony to release your child Into adulthood.
It is important to realize that your child's heart still longs to receive the blessing of a father that cuts the spiritual and
emotional umbilical cord that ties him to his mother and releases him into his adult identity.

 

It doesn't matter how old your son or daughter is. Remember Luis, whose life was changed when he received his father's blessing at age sixty-five? If you are still breathing and your adult child is still breathing, then I encourage you to conduct a blessing ceremony and celebration. If your child is already an adult, you may not want to include some of the components I outline in the next section, such as the time of instruction. It's OK to adapt this to fit your family. What is most important is that you conduct the blessing ceremony and celebration.

If you cursed rather than blessed your child at puberty, repent of being Satan's agent to impart his message in the life of your child. Then plan to conduct a blessing ceremony and celebration to release your son/daughter into adulthood. You can use the prayer below as a guide for asking God's forgiveness for cursing your offspring.
 

Father, we recognize today that during the time of [your child's name]'s adolescence we were used by the enemy to curse his identity and take his value. That was not Your message. Today we renounce the message imparted at that time through our words, attitudes, and actions. Father, forgive us by the blood ofJesus for not imparting Your message to our son/daughter. Forgive us for not conducting a proper ceremony to release our son/daughter into his manhood/womanhood. We now break the power of any curse we released over [your child's name]'s manhood/womanhood. Lord, we ask You now to speak to [your child's name]'s spirit the truth of who he/she is as a man/woman. We declare that [your child's name] is no longer a little child - is not his mother's little boy/girl - but is a man/woman.

PRAYERS AND ACTION STEPS
TO RELEASE THE BLESSING

 The rest of the Blessing Toolbox will explain how to bless your son or daughter at the time of puberty. I mentioned earlier that three key components should be included in the act of blessing a son or daughter at puberty and releasing him or her into adult identity. For a more detailed description of each component, see my book Bar Barakah: A Parent's Guide to a Christian Bar Mitzvah.l


INSTRUCTION

 The blessing ceremony at the time of puberty for either a boy or a girl should include a time of preparation and instruction by the parents. Tlis time of instruction is as important as the ceremony itself. Unfortunately, because many of us did not receive this type of instruction from our parents, it is sometimes hard to know what to say to our children at this time. Thus it may be helpful to first consult your pastor as you would if your child were getting married.
 

 However, as I mentioned before, it is your responsibility to instruct your children, not the pastor's. Let him provide some guidelines for you, but don't turn the instruction over to him. The pastor or youth pastor will not stand before God to give an account for the instruction given to your children. You will.

 I believe the father is to initiate arid oversee this instruction, but both parents should participate if that is possible. God created a beautiful window of opportunity for this instruction, and that is in the year or two preceding the onset of adolescence. At around age eleven or twelve most children are uniquely prepared by God to receive instruction about
adulthood from their parents. 

 Children's hearts still tend to be very open to their parents at that time in life, as they are not yet consumed with as many extracurricular activities. Most children also still enjoy spending time with their parents at
that age.

Although information and teaching are important, these times of instruction should be more focused on building relationship and mentoring than on imparting content. This instruction time is meant to prepare the child:

1. To enter into a settled sense of adult identity
2. To develop a clear sense of destiny and purpose, including an initial personal mission statement
3. To be emotionally released into manhood or womanhood during the blessing ceremony
4. To take adult responsibility for his own spiritual health from the time of the ceremony on
5. To walk in emotional and sexual purity all the days of his life 

 Let us talk now about how parents might conduct the actual instruction time with their son or daughter. One of the critical responsibilities of parents is to give their children ageappropriate information about sex. While there are many other important topics to discuss with your children when they are approaching puberty, discussions about sex and the changes in their bodies are particularly important—and typically the most awkward. It will help to remember that discussions about sex should happen throughout a child's growing-up years, not just at one time.

 I believe it is God's intention for a father to be the primary source of sexual information for both his son and daughter. They are not meant to learn sexual misinformation from
peers, other adults, video games, websites, or movies. While it is important that both parents participate in the sexual education of their children, it is especially important when preparing to release his children into their adult identity that the father has several open discussions on this topic.

 When it comes to talking with their daughters about sex, many fathers, out of their own insecurity and embarrassment, delegate this task to the mother. This is not healthy. As I have mentioned, the way a father relates to his daughter at this critical time in life prepares her spiritually and emotionally for a relationship with her husband. If her father shuns her sexuality and femininity as shameful or embarrassing, the daughter will tend to expect the same from her future husband. This is why it is very important for a father to be involved in talking with his daughter about her growing sexuality. 

 When talking with a son about sex as he approaches puberty, the father could tell his son something like this: "Son, in the next few months to a year you will notice physical, emotional, and intellectual changes in your life. You will find yourself thinking thoughts that you have never had before. You will find yourself feeling some emotions that you have never felt before. You will begin to grow hair on parts of your body where you have never had hair before.

 

"Son, in the next little while, you will begin to care deeply how you look to other people, especially girls. I know this may not make any sense to you right now, but I want you to remember what I am telling you for the future. You will find yourself wanting to spend time with girls, and you will experience feelings of sexual attraction toward them. Son, I want you to know that these changes are of God, not the devil.  God is the one who made us sexual beings, and sexual attraction in and of itself is not dirty or unclean. It is good, right, and pure.

 "God created you to be sexually attracted to women. However, son, there is a difference between sexual attraction
and lust.  If you do not learn how to handle sexual thoughts properly, they will develop into lust, which is not of God and will destroy your life. I know what I am talking about, son, because I have had to deal with these same thoughts and feelings myself. I want to teach you how to talk to Jesus Christ and release these thoughts and feelings to Him. Son, when you begin to have such thoughts and feelings, I want you to start talking to me about these things, because I can help you to handle them properly. OK? I want to walk with you through this time in your life.“

A father should be able to speak to his daughter in a similar way: "Honey, you are growing up, and in the next few months to a year you will experience many things changing in your life. You will begin to have thoughts you never had before and experience some emotions you have never felt before. You will begin to have feelings of sexual attraction toward boys. This is not wrong or evil. It is natural and designed by God. Sexual relationship is not something dirty, unclean, or impure.However, if you do not learn how to release your sexual thoughts and emotions to Jesus, Satan will try to develop this God-given attraction into lust. Lust is impure and is very destructive.

 "As you grow, because God made you very beautiful, you will find many young men who approach you in a sexual way because they are motivated by lust. You may feel like you have to protect yourself continually from them. However, God never intended for you to have to protect your own heart from the lust of young men. God placed me in your life to be the protector of your emotional and sexual purity. Therefore, if you find a young man flirting with you or expressing interest in having more than a friendship with you, please just give him my business card and tell him to make an appointment with me. I will be happy to meet with him to determine if he is sent from God as a potential marriage partner for you.

 "Honey, in the next few months to a year you will also experience many changes in your physical body. You will begin to grow hair in places where you have previously had none. You will also one day find yourself vaginally bleeding. I know that this is somewhat embarrassing to talk about, but I want you to know that this is completely normal. When it happens, I do not want you to be scared or to think that you are dying or are really sick. This is normal and was designed by God to happen to every girl as she becomes a woman. This bleeding is part of a normal cycle of life that cleanses your body and will give you the ability to bear children one day. You do not have to be afraid of it or embarrassed about it. When this cycle begins in your body, your mom and I want to celebrate with you, because this will begin to mark your transition from being a little girl into being a woman.“

 If you will have this type of open discussion with your son and daughter, you will move toward keeping an open relationship with them over the next few years. This will enable you to continue to bless and guide them as they learn to walk in their own adult identity and destiny. It may seem like I am describing "the talk" about sex, but that is not my intent. My hope is that over the years you will seize many opportunities to have these kinds of discussions with your children.

 

CEREMONY

 The time of instruction, which may last several months to a year, is meant to culminate in a blessing ceremony that releases the son or daughter into adulthood. Ihis ceremony helps to create an emotional closure to childhood. As I mentioned earlier, this ceremony is no small thing and should be treated like a very important event. In Jewish culture this ceremony is frequently made as high a priority as a wedding. In his book Raising a Modern-Day Knight, Robert Lewis outlines four key components of a significant blessing ceremony.

1. It is costly. Something that costs you nothing conveys little value. King David wanted to erect an altar to the Lord on          the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite. Araunah offered to give his threshing floor to the king, but David told                Araunah, "'No, but I will surely buy it from you for a price, for I will not offer burnt offerings to the LORD my God which      cost me nothing.' So David bought the threshing floor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver" (2 Sam. 24:24). David            understood that the expenditure of money conveys  value. I am not suggesting that you must spend tens of     

    thousands of dollars on the blessing ceremony, but I do believe that the expenditure should be significant. 

2. It ascribes value to the individual. By "making a big deal" out of the blessing ceremony, you are telling your child, "You      are important. This moment is important.“

3. It should employ meaningful symbols. There should be a tangible token that your child will keep to mark the bar       

    barakah. This may be a ring or locket, an article of clothing, a certificate, or some other physical token. Some primitive      people groups would make permanent marks on their bodies when they passed through a meaningful ceremony. I     

    personally believe that much of the body piercing among young people today is due to a lack of a father's blessing to 

    release them into their adult identity. For many young people body piercings and tattoos are simply an expression of

    the legitimate need for a unique, visible token of manhood/womanhood that was never properly given by a father.

4. It empowers the life with vision. A memorable ceremony creates a     moment of transition. It conveys in a powerful     

    way the message, "Your life will never be the same. You are entering a new season."This happened for Jesus when

    He was baptized in the Jordan  River. It happens for a Jewish son at his bar mitzvah ceremony, and it happens for

    every married couple at the wedding ceremony. We want to convey to our children at their blessing ceremony,  "Your

    life will be totally different from now on. You will never be a little boy/girl again.“

 A tradition that has become popular in some congregations is a weekend father-son retreat in the woods. This is to release and welcome the sons into the community of men. Some communities also like including a "princess ball" as a part of the ceremony to release their daughters into womanhood. I believe these kinds of events are quite valuable, as it is important to pursue the journey into manhood or womanhood in community with others. It also is important to spread the culture of blessing beyond your own family and into the community of believers.

 It is beyond the scope of this book to go into more detail about the ceremony itself. If you would like more specific instruction on how to plan a blessing ceremony, you may want to read my book Bar Barakah: A Parent's Guide to a Christian Bar Mitzvah.

 I believe the ceremony should include commitments from the child as well as blessings from the parents, particularly the father. Below I will include several sample commitments and blessings that I believe are wise to include in the ceremony.
These samples were modified from the actual ones my wife and I used with our two sons, Josh and Johnny, in their blessing ceremonies. These commitments can be adapted for use with either a son or daughter.

Sample commitments to be made by the child

1. I commit the rest of my life to the Lord Jesus Christ. My desire is for Him to make me the man/woman He wants me to      be.

2. I commit to live my life, as God gives me His grace, in a manner that is pleasing to Him, embracing the Bible as my 

    absolute standard for faith and conduct and the basis for all decisions I make in my life.

3. I commit as a single young man/woman to relate to women/men in a pure and godly way. I choose to conduct my

    relationships with women/men in accordance with the principles of godly friendships and partnership as opposed to

    dating. (I will discuss this concept at length in chapter 9.)

4. As I am released today as a man/woman, I commit to continue to honor the authority of my parents and to view them

   as God's primary instruments of character growth and development in my life.

5. I commit to recognize money as a gift from God rather than something I have earned. As such, I commit to the godly        stewardship of all financial resources God may choose to make available to me. I specifically renounce the spirit of

    mammon and choose to make Jesus Christ the source of my financial provision from this day forward.

6. I choose to honor all legitimate authority in my life. I commit to honor the authority of my parents, teachers, pastors,

    and civil authorities. I specifically renounce the attitude or lifestyle of independence and rebellion, and I choose to live

    my life as a free man/woman, abiding under authority and exercising authority.

7. My favorite scripture up to this point in my life is
   
Sample commitments to be made by parents

1. We commit to continue to teach you God's principles of life.

2. We commit to continue to love you. There is nothing you can ever do that will cause us not to love you. You will always

    be our son/daughter.

3. We commit to make it a priority to be available to you for counsel in any area of your life at any time. We will listen to

    you without judgment or condemnation and do everything within our power to cooperate with God in blessing your life.

4. We commit to pray for you regularly. We will continue to pray for God's will to be accomplished in your life and for you

    to fulfill your destiny in Him.

5. We commit to partner with you in prayer regarding God's choice and timing in a wife/husband for you. We agree to

    protect you from any woman/man not sent by God to be your wife/husband.

6. We commit to continue to honor you with open communication and understanding. As God gives us grace, we will

    attempt to always separate identity from behavior so as to honor you as a person even when your behavior requires

    discipline.

7. We commit to continue to apply age-appropriate, godly discipline to your life, as the Lord directs, for character

    development and training to fulfill your destiny as long as you remain in our home.

Sample prayer of a father's blessing

 Many people have asked me for a sample of the father's blessing to be prayed over a child in a blessing ceremony. Obviously there is no standard prayer, as each parent must pray as the Holy Spirit leads. However, in order to give you some direction, I have enclosed the following guidelines and sample prayer of blessing.

 A sample blessing to pray over a young person at the bar/ bat barakah ceremony should include at least the following five components:

1. A confirmation of gender identity
2. A release into manhood or womanhood
3. A calling forth of positive character qualities
4. A proclamation of any prophetic words that have been given over the son or daughter
5. A pronouncement of specific personal blessing of the father and mother to the child

The blessing a father would pray over his son, Bob, might sound something like this:

 Father God, I thank You for my son, Bob. Bob, you are no longer a little boy. Today you have become a man. You are well equipped with everything you need to fulfill your destiny as a man of God. Before the foundation of the earth God Almighty planned for you to be a man. lhere is nothing that you will ever need to do to become a man because God has made you one. Today we are simply recognizing publicly what God has done in you.

Also note specific character qualities in the child, for example:

 Bob, I have noticed that God has made you very intelligent. He has also given you a gift of articulate speech and an ability to take complicated concepts and make them simple for others to understand. I believe the Lord will use you powerfully to teach His Word to others. You also are a peacemaker. I notice that when yourfriends are at odds with one another, Godfrequently gives you just the right words to help them reconcile. I believe God will use you greatly in these areas of reconciliation and teaching.
 

Son, I am so glad that God has given you to our family. You are a wonderful son. I love you! Today I am so proud ofyou. I bless you with wisdom from God, with emotional security, with sexual purity, and marital fidelity. May God continue to prosper you in all that you do, and may you serve the Lord Jesus Christ all the days of your life. Today I loose youfrom being your mother's little boy, and I release to you the authority and responsibility of manhood. Bob, today before God and these witnesses, as your father I declare that you are a man. I love you, son, and I release you to fulfill your destiny 

in Christ.

CELEBRATION

 

 No ceremony is complete without a party afterward to celebrate. This bar/bat barakah celebration could be much like a wedding reception. Again, I will make some suggestions, but you need to design a reception for your child appropriate to your own culture. Most people do not need much instruction on how to have a party.

 I believe this reception should be at the same type of venue you would hold a wedding reception. You may wish to serve dinner or just light refreshments. In any case, you may want to have a cake to honor your son/daughter. It is entirely appropriate for the guests to bless the young man or woman with gifts or money (perhaps toward future education or missions trips). You may also want to have a praise and worship band present to provide music.
 

After the guests have eaten and fellowshipped for a while, you may want to open the floor to allow the guests to further bless your child. Perhaps you will want to speak some more informal words of blessing, or you may want to ask specific individuals to share a scripture, prophetic word, prayer, poem, song, or story about your child. It is important that anything shared serve to bless and edify your child. Stories or words that embarrass, belittle, or shame would not be appropriate.

 Remember that everything I have shared in this Blessing Toolbox is just a boilerplate from which you may develop your own blessing tradition in your family and community. It is far less important how you do it than that you do it. So
I encourage you not to spend too much time trying to get it "just right." 

Ask God how He wants you to bless your children, and He will direct you.