Ch.2. (The Power of a Parent’s Blessing)

CREATING A FAMILY CULTURE OF BLESSING

 I believe it is God's plan for every child to do more than receive his parents' blessing once in his life. God wants children to grow up in a culture of blessing. You may be wondering what exactly a culture of blessing is. This is simply an environment in which family members regularly convey to one another God's message of value rather than Satan's message of worthlessness. In a culture of blessing, family members regularly pour the blue plant fertilizer rather than the hydrochloric acid over one another's lives. They desire to see one another prosper.

 No one will be able to do this 100 percent of the time. However, in a family that blesses, when someone inadvertently or even intentionally curses the identity of another family member, as soon as the offense is recognized, that person repents and makes things right. In a culture of blessing, family members hold one another accountable to be God's agents of blessing.

 Many people groups around the world practice customs, ceremonies, and traditions that naturally produce an overall culture of blessing. God gave the Jewish people a wonderful tradition of weekly family blessing that is practiced even to this day. I am speaking of the tradition of gathering the family together each week on Friday evening (Erev Shabbat in Hebrew) for a special meal and a pronouncement of blessing. (With the busy schedules of most modern families, getting everyone together for a meal would be a miracle in and of itself.)

 Each week at this time the Jewish father prays a blessing over his wife. He then pronounces a blessing over each of his children. In many Jewish families the father also proclaims vision and prosperity over his children, thus creating in his offspring an expectation of future success. By so doing, such a father, whether he knows it or not, is imparting God's image of identity and destiny into the hearts and minds of his children. In many Jewish families who practice this tradition, the words of blessing the father speaks over his children are prophetic, and in adulthood the children fulfill exactly what the father  prophesied week after week.

 Why would the Jewish young person think, "I should own the bank," while the Christian young person thinks, "I should work at the bank"? I believe that many times this is because of a vision that was imparted week after week through parental blessing. While the Christian young person thinks, "I hope to get a job at the movie studio," the Jewish young person thinks, "I should own the movie studio," or "I should be the foremost film director of all time." This is the power of vision imparted through a parent's blessing.

 I also have observed that in some Christian families,  because there is no tradition of regular blessing, the children primarily hear words of correction and criticism from their parents. Sometimes those words inadvertently impart Satan's vision and image rather than God's. Most parents are blind to the power their words and actions have to bless or curse their children.
 For example, a father may say to his fifteen-year-old daughter, "You're not going out of the house in those clothes. That top is cut way too low, and those jeans are too tight. You're showing too much skin. You look like a prostitute! If you
keep dressing like that and hanging around with your current friends, you'll probably end up pregnant within a year."
Those kinds of words can prove to be prophetic, and the children fulfill exactly what their parents have spoken over them.

I really don't think God intended Jewish families to have a monopoly on the weekly blessing of their children. Every one of us could implement this tradition into our own families. If you would like to see an example of a father blessing his son, visit my YouTube channel at CraigHi113 and click on the video
"Speak Blessing Over Your Children."

CONTROL VS. AUTHORITY

 While it is important to have specific, regular times of blessing, such as at a weekly meal, it is equally important for parents to establish a general atmosphere of blessing rather than cursing in their home. In order to do this, parents must learn how to separate their children's identity from their behavior. This is   particularly important when the need to discipline arises.

 I remember one of the first times the Lord showed me that I was about to curse my son rather than bless him when I needed to administer discipline. My youngest son, Jonathan, was four years old, and I was in my first year of being a pastor. After a wonderful church service I walked out into the foyer, and there was Jonathan's Sunday school teacher standing there with Jonathan.

 

 She greeted me and said, "Pastor, we had a little problem with Jonathan in the class this morning. I asked him to do something, and he told me no. I asked again, and he told me no again, but then called me a very obscene name. We took care of the problem in the class, but I thought you as his father would want to know."

 I felt my face turning three shades of red. I was thinking, "How could he do this to me? The teacher probably thinks this is how we speak in our home." Then I immediately thought of 1 Timothy 3:5, a scripture regarding the requirements for Christian elders and ministers. It says, "If a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?" I thought, "My ministry is over! My son is out of control, and I have to resign."

 I felt a huge rush of shame and embarrassment, which was soon followed by anger. I thought, "I'll spank Jonathan right here, right now, and show this teacher I am a good father and that I think this is very serious." But as I moved toward Jonathan, the Holy Spirit stopped me and asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm disciplining my son," I said.
"No, you're not. You are about to become Satan's agent and curse his identity."
"What?" I replied, "No, Jonathan did something wrong, and he needs discipline. And as his father,  I am the appointed and anointed agent to administer that discipline."

 The Lord then said to me, "That is true, but at this particular moment you are disqualified." "Disqualified? Why?" I argued.The Lord then reminded me of Matthew 7:3, which says in essence, before you try to remove the speck from your brother's eye, remove the beam from your own eye. The Lord then said to me, "You have such a large beam in your own eye, you can't see clearly to remove the speck from your son's eye. You don't want to discipline him for his benefit. Your heart is filled with anger, and you want to discipline him to justify yourself in the eyes of the teacher and to vent your wrath on him for embarrassing you."

 The Lord went on to say to me, "Because you feel like a failure as a father, you are going to take all your frustration out on your little son and through your anger make him feel worse than you do. You are about to impart to your son the devil's message. Satan's anti-gospel message connects value to performance, while My gospel disconnects value from performance.

 "Satan's anti-gospel says, 'If you obey and do right, I'll love, value, and bless you. But if you disobey and do wrong, I'll withhold love, take your value, and curse you.' You were about to curse your son's identity because he used an obscene word and embarrassed you."

 The Lord continued, "My gospel says this, 'If you obey and do right, I'll love, value, and bless you. However, if you disobey and do wrong, I'll still love, value, and bless you. But I will also discipline your behavior with a consequence appropriate to your wrong choice. Yet My love and value for you never changes no matter what you do.' This is the message I want you to convey to your son."

 This was a shocking revelation to me, and I didn't understand what was happening in my heart. I asked the Lord, "Why am I so embarrassed and angry at Jonathan?"
 I immediately heard Him say, "Son, this is because you still don't really believe that I love you and that your value in My sight is not dependent upon your performance. You have to do everything perfectly in order to feel valuable, and now you have extended that same lie to your son. If he sins or makes a mistake, then you feel like a worthless father and blame him for discrediting you. So in reality your emotional well-being is now dependent upon the behavior of a four-year-old boy.
 "Responsibility for the emotional well-being of another person would be a pretty heavy burden to place on an adult, but to make a four-year-old responsible for your emotional state is totally unfair to him. If he behaves properly, you feel valuable and OK emotionally. But if he misbehaves, you feel worthless and angry, so you blame him for those feelings, curse his identity, and make him feel more worthless than you do. In so doing, you become an agent spreading Satan's antigospel to your son."

 What a revelation! Instead of proceeding with my original plan, I told Jonathan that I would talk to him when we got home. After spending an hour with the Lord to get at the root of my own shame and inability to feel valuable when my son had sinned, I finally was able to tell Jonathan that I loved him and that even though he had done wrong, he was still just as valuable to me and my love for him had not changed. I then was able to discipline him without anger for being disrespectful to his teacher. I was able to use a respectful tone of voice and bless his spirit even while I disciplined him. As far as I know, he was never disrespectful to his teacher like that again.

 When identity and behavior are fused in a parent's mind, that parent will think blessing the identity of a child when he misbehaves is the same as condoning the child's behavior. Consequently, in an attempt to discipline his son's or daughter's behavior, the parent will curse the child's identity. Is it right to bless a rebellious, misbehaving child? Certainly! Blessing should be predicated upon who the child is, not what he does.
Many times the primary root of teenage rebellion is lack of parental blessing. God meant for us to bless the person and discipline the behavior.

 I'm grateful that God is able to separate our behavior from our identity and doesn't base His love for us on what we do. The Bible tells us, "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:8).
 I cannot think of a greater blessing and confirmation of love than to die for another person. The fact that Jesus died for you and conveyed His acceptance of you while you were still rebelling against Him does not mean He also approved of your sinful behavior. He separated who you are (identity) from what you do (behavior). In this way God can bless who you are but not necessarily condone what you do.
When parents fail to separate identity from behavior, they fall into the trap of either condoning wrong behavior in an attempt to bless the child or cursing the child's identity in an attempt to administer discipline. When this happens, a parent will tend to lead his family according to the devil's system of governance rather than God's. 

 

 Satan uses a governance system based on control. God, on the other hand, governs through the exercise of authority. Let me define these terms as I will use them here.

1. Control entails using the manipulative power of the soul to force (threaten or intimidate) others to do your will.
2. The exercise of authority entails honoring the personhood and will of others by offering them choices that bring     

    consequences.
 

 While control does not honor or often even acknowledge the free will of others, the exercise of authority consistently honors people's choices while also consistently applying consequences for wrong choices. God has always honored people's choices. He has never forced anyone to receive Jesus Christ. He offers choices with consequences. For example, He may offer you the choice to: (a) receive Jesus Christ and live in His presence for all eternity, or (b) reject Jesus Christ and live separated from Him in hell for all eternity. He implores you to select choice A, as it will be much better for you, but the decision is yours.

 In Deuteronomy 30:19 God said, "I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants" (emphasis added). Again we see God offering choices with consequences. I believe His intention is for us to govern our children the same way He governs us. Unfortunately, in their experiences growing up, most parents have known only the system of control. Their parents controlled them, and they use the same methods with their children. They likely don't realize that Satan's system of control breeds an environment of cursing. God's system of authority, on the other hand, nurtures an environment of blessing.

 For many parents the most diffcult time to walk out a culture of blessing is when their children are disobedient or rebellious. It is easy to bless those who are doing what you want them to do. It is harder to bless a child who is resistant to parental authority, stubborn, and rebellious. As a result, many parents end up cursing the identity of their children during times of discipline without even realizing it.

THREE CRITICAL COMPONENTS OF DISCIPLINE

 Many years ago I learned that in order to create a culture of blessing and separate identity from behavior in dealing with my children, I would have to learn to implement the three components of family governance conveyed in Proverbs 6:23. This scripture tells us, "For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is light; and reproofs for discipline are the way of life." So we see that the three components of discipline are:

1. A commandment
2. A teaching
3. A reproof

 The first component—the commandment—is to ensure I have clearly conveyed to my child what is expected of him. If I discipline my child for something I never told him he was supposed to do, it will wound his heart and create confusion.
So the first step is to clearly state what is required of the child. Second comes the teaching. 

 

 It is important to explain to the child in age-appropriate language why this rule is important. If you give a child a command without explaining why it exists, that child will learn to obey only when you are around to apply a consequence. Yet if a child learns the wisdom behind the command, he can chose to obey that command not because he fears punishment but because he understands the purpose  for the restriction.

 The third component is reproof. This is the application of a consequence when a command is violated. Remember, God  governs by offering choices with consequences. The reproof is that consequence. If a parent never establishes or applies a consequence for violating a command, he makes the rule of none effect in his children's lives and teaches them that the parent's command means nothing.

 Many parents fail to separate identity from behavior and bless their children when they discipline (thus disciplining their children in anger) for three simple and practical reasons. Some never learned God's system of governance. Others understand the system but fail to détermine in advance which decisions to leave to the child's discretion and which ones require boundaries with enforceable consequences. Still other parents set boundaries and teach their children the purpose for the commands but then wrongly assume their offspring will naturally obey.

 Unfortunately it is human nature to test given boundaries. So if parents don't plan in advance where to set boundaries and which consequences to apply when—not if—their children test the boundaries and violate the command, they are left scrambling trying to decide what to do.
 When parents haven't thought through what consequence to apply when a child violates a boundary, it is very easy for them to slip into Satan's governing method by cursing the child's identity in an attempt to control his behavior. This then results in heated emotional exchanges, especially with teenagers, and serves to create an environment of cursing rather than blessing. This has led to great emotional damage in many families, with both the parents and the children basically attempting to tolerate one another. In more severe situations this wounding leads to a deep dislike or hatred. Let me give you an example.

TAKE OUT THE TRASH

 Emily was a frustrated mother who could never seem to get her seventeen-year-old daughter to do her chores. Emily's daughter, Cathy, was responsible to collect the trash on Tuesday nights and set it outside for pickup early Wednesday morning. Yet week after week Tuesday night would roll around, and Cathy would be in her room in her pajamas, texting her friends or chatting with them on Facebook, and the trash would not be
on the curb.

 Emily would remind her daughter of her responsibility, and Cathy would promise to take it out in the morning before school, but Emily would insist she take it out right then. "No," Emily would say. "You have said you'd take it out in the morning, but then we missed the trash pickup because you didn't get up early enough. Then we are stuck with bags of stinky trash for another week. Please get up and take the trash out now."
Cathy would again promise to do her chores before school the next day. "No, Mom," she'd say. "I'll set my alarm and get up to take it out in the morning. I promise."

 Emily would get agitated, knowing her daughter rarely took the trash out in the morning, and Cathy would whine about already being in her pajamas. "Don't 'But Mom' me!" Emily would say, her tone rising in intensity. "I want you to get up and do it now."
 Emily would continue to insist, and Cathy would continue to dig in her heels: "Mom, you're a trash Nazi! You treat everybody like you're Hitler running a prison camp.

 There's no reason I can't do this in the morning. Why does everything have to be done exactly your way?"
This exchange would go on for some time, with Emily getting more and more agitated until she was screaming and taking the gadgets away from Cathy so she'd get up and take out the trash. Cathy would rush off in tears, shouting that she hated her mother. Then Emily would give up, telling Cathy the trash had better be ready for pickup in the morning. Of course Cathy would oversleep, and the trash would be left uncollected.

 At that point Emily would completely lose her temper and begin shouting at Cathy, calling her a worthless, lazy, irresponsible pain in the rear. Cathy would then rush out the door, yelling insults back at her mom. This cycle repeated itself week after week.

 Without realizing it, Emily had become Satan's agent rather than God's in her daughter's life. She had created a culture of cursing in her home rather than blessing. Emily was at a total loss as to what else to do because no one had ever taught her God's system of authority.
 Fortunately Emily attended one of our Blessing Generations Experiences, which was held at her church. That weekend Emily was deeply convicted that she had been used as Satan's agent to curse her daughter rather than to bless her. Emily wept bitterly before the Lord as she remembered all the times she had attacked Cathy's identity and conveyed Satan's message of worthlessness to her daughter. She simply didn't know how to deal with Cathy's strong will.
When Emily returned home Saturday evening, she asked Cathy if she could talk with her. After finishing a text, Cathy joined her mom at the kitchen table.

 "Cathy," Emily began with tears in her eyes, "I just realized this weekend that I have treated you like a Nazi prison camp commander instead of like a mother. In an attempt to get you to do what I wanted, I have threatened you, forced you, coerced and yelled at you, and treated you with great disrespect and dishonor. I never saw this as wrong or as sin against you until this weekend. I didn't know any other way to try to correct you. Could you please find it in your heart to forgive me? I really want to change and be to you the mother God wants me to be." Cathy began to tear up, never expecting to hear her mother say such things. After getting over her shock, Cathy replied, "Yes, Mom. I do forgive you. I never thought I would hear these words from you. All my life you have treated me like nothing I ever do or say is right in your sight. This is the first time I've heard you acknowledge that anything you did was wrong."

 During the Blessing Generations Experience Emily realized that she had learned from her mother to never acknowledge a mistake or admit to any wrongdoing. "Cathy," Emily said, "I now know that what you're saying is true. My mother was exactly like that with me. I thought that since I was your mother, it was my job to force you to obey me. I never realized until yesterday that this is how Satan treats people, not how God treats His children. I have been so wrong in how I've treated you. Please forgive me."
"I do forgive you, Mom," Cathy said. "And I know that I have also said hurtful and disrespectful things back to you. Would you please forgive me too?"
 Emily, weeping openly now, got up from her chair and embraced her daughter. "Of course I will," she said. "I'm so sorry for the way I've treated you. I love you! You are a wonderful young woman of God with incredible potential. You're smart, you're beautiful, and God has gifted you to be a leader. I notice that others follow you into whatever you get into. I'm so proud of you as my daughter, and I love you very much."

 Mother and daughter embraced for a while longer before Emily returned to her chair. She then told Emily, "I'd like to take some time tomorrow to talk with you about how your dad and I would like to correct your behavior in the future."
"Sure, Mom," said Cathy.
 The following day Emily and her husband, Kurt, explained to their daughter what they had learned over the weekend about governing with God's system of the exercise of authority instead of Satan's system of control. "I have never acknowledged or honored your will," Emily told Cathy. "I have treated you as if there is only one will here: my will. I now realize that is wrong. From now on we will offer you choices with consequences rather than trying to coerce and force you to do our will."
 "For example," Kurt added, "regarding your chore of taking out the trash on Tuesday evenings, we are both so sorry for the way we have treated you in the past. Would you please forgive us?"
"Yes," Cathy said.
"From now on we will offer you a choice with a consequence. So, you do agree that it is your responsibility to collect and  take out the trash by the time you leave for school Wednesday morning?"
"Yes," Cathy said. "And I'll try to do better to really get it done on time."
 "Great," Kurt replied. "In any case, neither your mom nor I will harass you about it. How and when you do it is your choice. However, there will be consequences to your choices. You may choose to make sure the trash gets out by the time you leave on Wednesday morning. The consequence of that choice is that we will all live trash-free for the next week. Or you could choose to not get the trash out by the time you leave. The consequence of that choice is that you will have to take personal responsibility for the trash that was not removed. Do you understand?"

 Cathy did not fully understand what her father was telling her, but she liked her parents' new attitude and was glad her
mom promised not to yell at her about the trash anymore. So she said, "Sure, Dad, that's fine."
"One last thing," Emily added. "We highly recommend that you take out the trash on time. I think it will be much more pleasant for you, and you will enjoy it more."
Cathy replied, "OK, Mom."

 The next Tuesday evening Cathy chose to collect and take out the trash before she got ready for bed. Emily was pleased and thought their talk had done some good. However, the next week Emily found Cathy in her pajamas and on her iPad late Tuesday evening, and the trash had not been collected or taken out. This time Emily was at peace, as she realized that it was not her responsibility to "control" Cathy. She had given Cathy clear choices. Instead of yelling at her daughter, Emily went into Cathy's room and kissed her good night. All she said was, "Remember, sweetie, tomorrow is trash day."

 Cathy's reply was, "I know, Mom. I'll do it in the morning." Emily said good night and went on about her evening. The next morning, of course, Cathy got up late. She had no time to deal with the trash; she just grabbed a piece of toast and ran out of the house at the last moment to get to school. Emily was completely at peace, as again she realized that it was not her job to control Cathy. It was her job to give the command— the instruction—and apply the consequence. God was the only one who could change Cathy.

 When Cathy got home from school that afternoon, she greeted her mom on the way to her room. She was feeling a bit guilty because she knew she had not taken out the trash that morning. Cathy was sort of expecting her mom to yell at her about it, but Emily was pleasant. She didn't say a thing about the trash; she just asked Cathy about her day at school. Cathy was a little shocked by her mom's calm demeanor. "Maybe she really has changed," Cathy thought.
After the brief exchange with her mom Cathy went upstairs to her room. Then about twenty seconds later she came running back down with a horrified look on her face. "Mom, there are five bags of trash sitting on the floor in my room!" she exclaimed.
"I know," Emily said calmly. "Remember the conversation we had about choices and consequences?"
"Yes," Cathy said, "but why are there five bags of trash in the middle of my floor?"
 "Well, as you remember, we explained that there would be a consequence to each choice. You chose to not take out the trash on time. We explained to you that if you made that choice, you would have to take personal responsibility for the trash. Since you chose not to take the trash out in time for it to be taken away, it is only fair that you keep the trash in your space until next week. None of the rest of us are responsible for the trash or want it in our space."
"But Mom!" Cathy cried. "It stinks, and it takes up half my room."
 "I'm so sorry, honey," Emily said. "I know it is not pleasant. This is why we highly recommended that you take out the trash. We thought you would enjoy the consequence more. But you chose the other option. That means until next Tuesday evening you'll have to keep the trash in your room. I want you to know, sweetheart, that we're not doing this because we're angry with you. We love you very much. You're our daughter. You're beautiful, you're smart, and God has an incredible des tiny for your life. But you made your choice, and this is the consequence. God bless you, sweetie. Have a good night."

 That was the last time Cathy failed to take the trash out before she left for school on Wednesday mornings. Kurt and Emily learned how to offer choices that have clear consequences, but to let Cathy choose rather than try to control and manipulate her by yelling and threatening her. When they used God's system of governance, they had to apply the
consequence for the wrong choice only once. Had they continued to use Satan's system, they would have had to nag Cathy almost every week to get her to take out the trash.

 This was the first of many experiences that helped rebuild a healthy relationship between Cathy and her parents. Exercising authority that honors a person's free will while applying consequences for wrong choices can totally change the atmosphere in your home, even if you never before experienced this kind of parenting yourself. God's system of governance works!

How TO ESTABLISH A TIME OF FAMILY BLESSING
 Without a structured, regular time of blessing, children likely hear only words of correction and discipline from their parents. Why not create a tradition of weekly blessing for your family? The key to making this work practically is to follow the model Jewish families established and prioritize this time of blessing above all other activities you or your children may be involved in. You can start your own tradition in your home by following these three steps.

1. Have a meal together.
2. After the meal initiate a time of repentance and blessing. Because no one can receive blessing when he is carrying an      emotional wound from the one seeking to bless, I suggest you begin your blessing time by addressing offenses,     

    perceived or real. I have found that if you look directly into your child's eyes you will immediately be able to discern if        there is an offense or unhealed emotional wound. An offended person will have a hard time maintaining eye contact     

    with someone who has offended him.

 If you discern an offense or emotional distance between you and your child, I suggest starting your time of blessing with repentance. If you know you have emotionally wounded or cursed the identity of one of your children during the week, acknowledge the offense and ask forgiveness. Even if you were not entirely in the wrong, if there is an offense or wound in your child's heart and you sense emotional distance between you, seek to repair this by acknowledging the offense and repenting for causing hurt. Commit to bridge any emotional distance between you.

3. Bless each family member. When all the wounds and offenses are dealt with, you can then bless each child     

   individually. I suggest that you use the five key components of blessing outlined by John Trent and Gary Smalley in 

   their landmark book on the topic, The Blessing Ihese components of a blessing are: Appropriate meaningful touch
   A spoken word
   Attaching high value to the one being blessed  
   Picturing a special future for the one being blessed
   An active commitment to help fulfill the blessing1

 You may have seen the movie Fiddler on the Roof. The Sabbath prayer Tevye and Golda speak over their daughters is a good example of the type of blessing you may consider declaring over your children.

May the Lord protect and defend you.
May He always shield you from shame.
May you come to be
In Israel a shining name.

May you be like Ruth and like Esther.
May you be deserving of praise.
Strengthen them, O Lord,
And keep them from the strangers' ways.

May God bless you and grant you long lives.
May the Lord fulfill our Sabbath prayer for you.
May God make you good mothers and wives.
May He send you husbands who will care for you.

May the Lord protect and defend you.
May the Lord preserve you from pain.
Favor them, Oh Lord, with happiness and peace. 

Oh, hear our Sabbath prayer. Amen.2

 

 The family blessing extends beyond your children. If you are married, make it a daily practice to pray blessing over your spouse. You don't have to spend a lot of time doing this; just a few minutes a day will do. Find a consistent time that works for you as a couple. When you bless each other, be sure to face your spouse and pray with your eyes open. You need to look into your spouse's eyes so you can convey blessing not only with your words but also with your eyes and facial expression. You can spend a minute or two doing each of the following:

 1. Repenting if God shows you that you have wounded or sinned against your spouse in the previous twenty-four hours

 2. Thanking God for your spouse (acknowledging the qualities you appreciate about her/him)

 3. Pronouncing blessing over your spouse and her/ his day

 Establishing a tradition of blessing will transform your relationships with your spouse and your children. You are speaking life into their present and their future and expressing the deep love you have for them. By setting aside time each week for a time of family blessing, you are also teaching by example that your family is a priority above all other obligations. If you make this kind of investment into your family, it will bear fruit for generations to come.