Ch.9. (The Power of a Parent’s Blessing)

BLESSING YOUR CHILD AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE

 We now come to the sixth critical time of blessing in the life of a son or daughter. This is the blessing God intended to occur at the time of marriage. Not every son or daughter is called by God to be married, but most are. Just as a significant transition occurs at puberty from childhood to adulthood, another important transition takes place at the time of marriage from single life to married life. I believe God intended for every marriage to be blessed by both sets of parents. However, for many reasons in our culture today many couples are not blessed in marriage by their parents.

KEY ROLE PLAYER

 Both parents play a key role in blessing their children's marriage and releasing their son or daughter to be joined to a spouse. Either parent has the ability to bless and release or to curse and retain. This is why we have found it very important to include parents in the marriage preparation process. If parents understand their scriptural role to bless and release, it will make the transition from single life to married life much easier for the newly married couple.

KEY QUESTION TO BE ANSWERED

 The key questions to be answered by God or Satan at the time of marriage are: Am I really loveable? Do I really have what it takes to be someone's wife/husband? Will anyone love me and stick with me in covenant long-term? Since marriage is a lifelong covenant, many people experience great fear about choosing the right person.

 Parents have an opportunity at this time to tell their son or daughter, "Yes, you are completely adequate and prepared to be a husband/wife. You have everything you need spiritually, emotionally, and physically. We have prayed since the day you were born for God to bring you His choice of a wife/husband, and now He has. This is the right person at the right time, and we bless your marriage and future life together.“

 Unfortunately many parents are unable to bless the marriage of their son or daughter with integrity because they don't truly believe the bride- or groom-to-be is God's choice or that their child is ready to marry. Thus many parents are faced with the dilemma of either blessing a marriage they don't really believe in or withholding their blessing.

 It was so important to God that parents bless their children's marriage that He put a protective provision in ancient Hebrew culture that made it almost impossible for a marriage not to be blessed by parents. In biblical Hebrew culture the parents were deeply involved in selecting their children's marriage partner. In some cases the parents chose their son's or daughter's spouse without giving their child much choice. Since the parents chose the marriage partners, they virtually always approved of the marriage.

 I am not suggesting that we return to arranged marriages. I am merely making the point that it was so important to God that parents bless the marriage of their children that He made it almost impossible for that not to happen in biblical Hebrew culture. Even in our culture today I believe God wants families to learn to partner together in managing romantic relationships and selecting a marriage partner. If parents and their son or daughter are praying and seeking God together for God to bring His choice of a marriage partner, there is a much better chance the parents will bless the marriage than if the parents are not involved in the process. When sons and daughters manage their own romantic relationships and potential marriage partner selection process in isolation from their parents, there is a much greater chance that son or daughter will miss God's plan for a marriage partner.

BLESSING AND CURSING AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE

 Almost every culture in the world embraces the concept of marriage in some form. In most cultures the blessing of the parents at a wedding plays a key role in releasing the newly married couple to prosper in their new life together.

Blessing at the time of marriage may include the following key components:
 1. Both sets of parents being in agreement with their son or daughter about the choice of mar- riage partner and the     

    timing of the marriage

 2. Both sets of parents attending the wedding ceremony and blessing the marriage

 3. Each set of parents joyfully receiving the new son-/daughter-in-law as a part of their family

 4. Both sets of parents willingly releasing their son/ daughter spiritually and emotionally to be joined to a wife/husband

     to become a new family unit

Cursing at the time of marriage may entail such things as:

1. Either or both sets of parents disagreeing with their child's choice of a marriage partner or with the timing of the     

    marriage, and maintaining that

    the person is the wrong choice and the marriage won't last

2. Either or both sets of parents refusing to attend the wedding ceremony and refusing to bless or actively cursing the     

    marriage of their son/ daughter

3. Either or both sets of parents rejecting the new son-/daughter-in-law and refusing to receive him/ her into their family

4. Either or both sets of parents refusing to allow their son/daughter to emotionally or spiritually leave father and mother,

    thus blocking their child from appropriately being joined to the wife/hus- band as a new family unit

 

POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES OF BLESSING AND CURSING IN MARRIAGE

 Let's now look at some of the consequences of blessing and cursing in marriage. When both sets of parents bless a marriage, it usually brings the children a greater sense of peace and security. They have nothing to prove to their parents and are able to let the Holy Spirit lead them in their marriage.

 On the other hand, when parents 'have cursed their children's marriage, the children are highly motivated to disprove the problems the parents foresaw. If the parents have said such things as, "This marriage won't last six months," "You're marrying the wrong person," or "You're too young to get married," then children will commonly want to prove them wrong.

 

 When parents make statements such as these-words that curse the identity of a son or daughter-the child's soul will certainly be out of peace. Because the adult child is working to disprove the parents' words, his heart is not free to be led by the Holy Spirit in marriage. Instead the flesh is continually motivating the child to bring peace to his soul by proving the parents wrong. Both individuals in the marriage then labor under the curse of the parents to attempt to disprove their words.

 A second consequence is that children who were not blessed by their parents in marriage usually don't develop a friendship with their parents and therefore can't enjoy a close relationship with them throughout their adult lives. This may strain the relationship with any grandchildren who may be born.

BLESSING LOOSES WHILE CURSING BINDS

 Yet another consequence of parents not blessing an adult child's marriage is that the married son or daughter cannot properly leave the parents and be joined to a wife or husband. Blessing tends to give the child the spiritual and emotional ability to leave father and mother, while cursing tends to bind the heart of a child spiritually and emotionally to the parents. In ministering to thousands of married couples through the years, I have discovered that much marital conflict is rooted in an inability to properly cleave (be joined) to a spouse because the individual's heart never spiritually and emotionally left his parents. (See Genesis 2:24.) When one doesn't leave, it is impossible to cleave. Obviously this is not a geographic leaving but a spiritual and emotional one.

 God designed men to be secure in their masculine identity through their parents' blessing and then to lead, protect, and fight for their wives. Yet a man who has not been blessed by his parents will usually look to his wife to make him feel like a man. Such a man will not lead, protect, and fight for his wife. Instead he will protect himself, fight with his wife, and abdicate his leadership in the family.

 God designed a woman to trust her husband to protect and fight for her, thus allowing her to respect and submit to him. A woman who has never been blessed by her parents will usually not trust her husband because she could not trust her father. Because of this distrust, she will neither respect nor submit to her husband. Instead she will protect herself, fight with her husband, and undermine or usurp his authority in the family.

 As I have ministered to married couples, I have found that many times a primary mechanism that binds the heart of an adult child to a parent is the child's judgment and bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 tells us that bitterness in my heart will defile not only me but many other people as well. How does this work?

 Unfortunately the human soul is like a camera and reproduces deep inside the image of its focus. You cannot focus your camera on the lion at the zoo but desire and expect the camera to produce a photo of the elephant. You will get a picture of the lion upon which you focused the camera, not the elephant you desired. Desire does not produce image; emotional focus does. Judgment and bitterness create deep inside an emotional focus on the very quality judged in another, regardless of the intention to produce in one's own life just the opposite. Thus while growing up, if a child is treated with injustice and cursing and is never blessed by parents, he may judge and isolate from his parents in his heart.

 This child then goes into marriage with an image deep in the heart containing negative qualities judged in a parent. Because of the principle of sowing and reaping (every seed reproduces after its own kind), this image has potential to reproduce in the life of the adult child the very qualities hated in the parent. Or worse yet, an adult child may tend to view his marriage partner through the negative image of the judged parent, thus creating an unconscious expectation that the spouse will become just like the parent. This seed of bitterness in the heart then may reproduce in the marriage partner the exact qualities judged in a parent. Let me give you a practical example.

 

SEED ALWAYS BEARS FRUIT AFTER ITS OWN KIND

 Suppose a young woman named Mary grows up with a hypercritical father, whom she judges. She then vows to never marry a critical man like her father. Meanwhile a young man named Tom grows up with an undisciplined, obese mother, whom he judges. He then vows to never marry an overweight woman like his mother.

 These two young people meet and marry. Tom is very accepting and kind—nothing like Mary's father. Mary has a beautiful figure, unlike Tom's mother, and is also a wonderful cook. In an attempt to bless her husband, Mary cooks wonderful meals every evening. However, the food she cooks is a little too rich for her, and she gains a couple of pounds. Because Tom is yet bound in his heart to his mother, without realizing it he views Mary through the image of his mother. Her small weight gain greatly alarms him, and he gently confronts his wife about her figure. Mary, who is still bound in her heart to her dad, hears Tom's words through the image of her father. Being deeply wounded by Tom's criticism, Mary reacts with a very emotional response. A serious argument then ensues as Tom continues to express his deep concern about Mary's weight.

 Being under the additional emotional pressure of her husband's criticism, Mary begins snacking a little between meals and gains another couple of pounds. Tom, of course, is now even more alarmed and confronts Mary again, resulting in another highly emotional argument. If Tom and Mary never identify and repent of the way their hearts are still bound to their parents through judgment and bitterness, their marriage will soon consist of a very disappointed and critical husband and a very wounded and overweight wife.

 My family once lived next to a woman who was about to divorce her third husband. When I asked her what her experience had been with her three husbands, she proceeded to tell me that they all had manifested the same types of addictions and serious dysfunction that her father had dealt with. I asked her if these three men were like that before she married them. She acknowledged that the first one had some of those characteristics, but that neither of the others had behaved that way at all before they married her.

 I asked this woman to what she attributed marrying three different men who all demonstrated the same negative character qualities she had despised in her father. My neighbor replied by saying, "I guess I just don't know how to pick them." As I heard her story, I wanted to ask, "Did you ever think you might be the one carrying the seed? It doesn't much matter what field you plant it in. Until you recognize and deal with it in your life, that seed of judgment and bitterness toward your father will yield the same fruit every time." I realized that she, unfortunately, was not yet ready to hear that word.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE MY MOTHER!

 Let me give you one more example of a couple for whom I prayed several years ago. A man I'll call Jim decided to cut himself off from his mother and managed to reproduce in his wife the very qualities he hated in his mom. Jim's wife came to me for help first, saying she loved Jim deeply but was considering divorce because circumstances in the marriage had made her life intolerable. She said Jim refused to take any type of responsibility at home. Now the bank was about to repossess their house, not because they didn't have enough money to pay the mortgage but because Jim "never got around" to making the payment.

 Jim knew it was his job to pay the bills, keep the yard, maintain the cars, shovel the walks in the winter, and so on, but he never really did any of those things. Consequently Jim's wife had begrudgingly taken over all of those responsibilities and was extremely weary and frustrated.
 I met Jim the following week. Initially I asked him how his marriage was going. He replied, "Oh, we have our ups and downs like everyone else, but we really love each other and have a good, stable marriage. I can't really complain about anything." There was quite a disparity between his and his wife's perception of the marriage. Jim was shocked when I told him that his wife was considering divorce.

 I confronted Jim about the irresponsibility his wife reported. He acknowledged that he just seemed to "space out" all the time. At first I began to work with Jim on time management and goal setting, but try as I might, he still never fulfilled his responsibilities around the house. I began to understand his wife's frustration.

 I then realized that there was a much deeper root. After we prayed together to ask the Lord to reveal the root of this problem, I felt led to ask Jim several questions about his mother, and the answers began to come. Jim was the younger of two children. His mother clearly favored his older sister and conveyed a message to him that he couldn't do anything right.

 Jim's mother wanted to spare him the embarrassment of making any mistakes, so she constantly redid everything he attempted so that it would be "right." When she asked Jim to set the table for dinner, she always came behind him and reset it after him because it was never to her satisfaction. She also instilled in him the belief that making a mistake was a terrible thing that should be avoided at all costs.

 Every time Jim's mom would redo one of his tasks and criticize him for the job he had done, it deeply wounded his heart. It was a form of cursing his identity and was very painful emotionally. It taught Jim from a very early age that he couldn't do anything to please his mother, so the best way to avoid being
hurt and criticized was to not do anything at all for her. After that point he was scolded for not completing the task he had been given, but to Jim that was far less painful than being chastised for doing it "wrong." Besides, his mom would come and do it the way she wanted anyway, so the task would still be accomplished.

When Jim married, what kind of woman do you think he looked for? You are right-someone who was the exact opposite of his mother. He found a wonderful Christian girl who loved Jim just the way he was and never criticized him as his mom used to do. Of course, Jim's wife did not meet his mother's expectations, and she constantly told him he could have done much better. Jim's mother never blessed their marriage or accepted Jim's wife.

 Consequently Jim harbored bitterness toward his mother for all the cursing and criticism. Unbeknownst to Jim, this created patterns of expectancy in his heart that kept him tied to his mother deep inside. Without realizing it, he began to expect his wife to treat him the way his mother did. He expected her—and all women for that matter—to eventually criticize and reject him, even though his wife had never treated him that way. This was wreaking havoc in Jim's marriage because over time Jim began to force his wife into the same role his mother had played.
It was the unconscious fear of being criticized that caused Jim to default on all his domestic responsibilities. As a result, 

he had given his wife only three bad options:

  1. Do nothing and watch everything around them deteriorate
  2. Continue to nag Jim and try to get him to perform, usually with little success and great frustration
  3. Give up and do it herself

 Initially she waited for Jim to do what he promised. Yet eventually, in frustration, she began to criticize and nag him just as his mother had done. This made Jim even more determined to avoid doing anything for fear that he would do it wrong and be further criticized. Eventually, much to Jim's relief, his wife chose the third option to just do things herself.

 He thought everything was great, but she was frustrated beyond belief. Jim had forced his wife to be his mother instead of his spouse, inadvertently reproducing in his wife the same pattern of criticism and cursing his identity that he hated in his mother.

 Until Jim could truly forgive his mother for constantly cursing his identity and then receive the Lord's blessing and impartation of his true identity and destiny, he would not be free to become one with his wife and be a proper husband to her. Once we identified Jim's root issue—the tie to his mother— Jim was able to break free from the judgment of his mom and the fear of failure. Much to his wife's delight, Jim was finally able to become the responsible husband God had created him to be. Many couples just like Jim and his wife have found tremendous healing when they realized that the root cause of their marital diffculties was that one or both of them were still tied to a parent who had not imparted his or her blessing.

REFUSAL TO RELEASE CURSES THE IDENTITY OF MARRIED CHILDREN

 Another potential way parents can curse the identity of their married children is to not allow them to emotionally leave home. It is sometimes very diffcult for parents to release their married children and allow them to be joined to a spouse. Even though they have blessed their child's marriage and received the marriage partner, they still want to make decisions for their married child. When this occurs, it is very important for the married child to set boundaries on what input he is willing to receive from his parents. He must also make sure his marriage partner is his first relational priority, not his parents.

 Recently a father told me about an encounter he had with his married daughter. She called home one night crying and upset about an argument she'd had with her husband. They both had said some unkind things that they didn't mean, and now the daughter wanted to come home. This wise father told his daughter, "Honey, you are home. I will always love you, and you will always be my daughter, but your home is no longer here. It is now there with your husband.

 " How diffcult that must have been for a loving father to say to his hurting daughter! However, this wise father clearly understood his role to listen and comfort, but then to direct his daughter to the Lord and back to her husband to continue becoming "one flesh" with him.

FAMILY PARTNERSHIP STRATEGY FOR SELECTING A MARRIAGE PARTNER

 I have spoken with many parents who were distraught over the person their son or daughter had married. I have also spoken to many people whose marriage has been very diffcult or even ended in divorce, and often they tell me their parents did not approve of their choice of spouse. Only after some life experience—often around age forty—do they see the wisdom in their parents' caution. This is why is it so important for parents to be involved in the process of selecting their adult child's marriage partner.

 As the old expression goes, love is blind. It can also be deaf, dumb, and stupid. When the blinders come on, the child in love may fail to notice negative character traits, generational patterns of sin, or family history that may affect a future marriage. For this reason that young person needs another set of "eyes" that are clear of any romantic attachment. The primary people God has placed in the lives of children to help them see more objectively are their parents.

 I am not suggesting that we return to the arranged marriages common in biblical Hebrew culture. However, I believe there is a way for parents to be involved in their child's marriage selection process that is neither as restrictive as an arranged marriage nor as permissive as our current dating system in which the parents have very little input. I believe a more appropriate strategy would be a partnership in which both the parents and the children seek God together to discern who He is sending to be the child's spouse.

 Using the powerful principle of agreement, this strategy prepares the child to function in agreement within marriage. Most of us who have been married for some time have made the mistake of making a decision our spouse did not support. In almost every case in my own life I wish I had listened to my wife. We discovered early in our marriage the principle of agreement. If only one of us thought we should do a particular thing, we found it was better not to act. Jan and I discovered that when we were in agreement about a decision, most of the time that was the will of God.

 It is wise to teach children this principle of agreement when we are preparing them to be released into manhood or womanhood. During the time of instruction we can explain that we can best discern the will of God regarding their future spouse when all of us—both parents and kids—are in agreement. If only one of us thinks someone is the marriage partner sent from God but the other does not, there is a good chance that this is not God's plan. However, when parents and a child are in agreement about the person, the will of God likely will be found in this agreement.

 When a family has walked this way, it is very easy for the parents to tell the adult child at marriage to apply the same principle of agreement in his relationship with his spouse.
There is also very little chance the parents will not bless the marriage.

In order to properly implement this partnership strategy, one must recognize the five principles upon which it is based:

1. The purpose of marriage is not to make one "happy" but to        
  empower an individual to fulfill a destiny in Christ that he or she    
  can better fulfill married than single.

2. God knows better than we do whom our son or daughter should 
  marry, and He will bring His choice of a marriage partner into our 
  child's life at just the right time.

3. Our child's heart and body do not belong to him to give away as he 
  wills; they belong to God and are to be reserved in purity until 
  marriage.

4. The will of God in a marriage partner is best discerned in 
   agreement between the parents and child.

5, Both parents and child trust that God will use both parties to reveal 
   His will despite their respective weaknesses and faults. This 
   engenders mutual respect, honor, and trust in God.

 When parents walk alongside their children in selecting a marriage partner, there is a much greater chance that the child will experience a successful marriage and fulfill with his spouse the purpose God has for his life.

 

What’s So Wrong With the Current Dating System?

 Something is obviously wrong with a system that has roughlya 50 percent failure rate, but that is what our current dating system has produced. Nearly half of marriages today areending in divorce.

 For claritys sake, when I use the word dating I am talking about the strategy in which a young person spends time with people of the opposite gender in hopes of developing a boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship with someone special. In this dating relationship the two parties intentionally developa mutually strong feeling of romantic love toward each other. This system is insufficient for managing romantic relationship and ultimately selecting amarriagepartner. Letmeexplain why.

Dating inverts God’s design.
God created people as three-part beings: spirit, soul, and body. The spirit should be subject to God, the soul (mind, will and emotions) subject to the spirit, and the body subject to the soul. In dating, people are usually first physically attracted to someone, then emotionally, then possibly spiritually. By focusing first on the physical, God’s order is inverted.

In con­trast, godly partnership allows the young person and the parents to first look for someone with godly character, then to consider emotional and physical attractiveness secondarily.

Dating focuses on self-gratification.
 The unconscious motive for dating usually sounds some­ thing like this: “I want someone who looks physically attrac­tive to me and makes me happy, someone I enjoy being with, who has interests similar to mine:’ The focus is on gratifying and pleasing self. In contrast, godly partnership would have the young person focus on blessing and serving someone else. The motive of relationship is self-sacrifice, not self-gratification.

 The goal here is to lay down one’s selfishness to serve another, not to use another to make oneself happy.
The idea is like a flea in search of a dog versus a recharge­-able battery for a cell phone. The flea’s goal is to take life from the dog.The battery’s job is to give life to the cellphone. When the dog can no longer provide life to the flea, the flea abandons that dog and looks for another. When the battery runs out of life, it returns to the recharger (Jesus Christ) to receive more life so it can provide more life to the phone.

Dating has no long-term goal.
 The primary purpose of dating is to “have fun.” When the fun is over, the relationship usually terminates.

Godly part­nership allows the heart to go out in romantic love only to a person who both the parents and child believe is a potential marriage partner sent from God. The goal of the romantic relationship is to head toward the covenant of marriage.

Dating is often emotionally damaging.
 When two fifteen-year-olds are dating, they do not usually have the goal of marriage in mind. They just want to have fun, but their hearts become fused together in romantic love for the duration of the relationship. This is like gluing two pieces of paper together. When one party no longer finds the other pleasing, the relationship breaks, but the hearts do not come apart the same way they went together. There is a ripping and tearing that cause significant emotional pain.
Each flea, I mean young person, then goes in search of another boyfriend or girlfriend to ease the emotional pain of the breakup. 

 Each time a breakup occurs, the person leaves a piece of his heart with that individual. Suppose this happensfive, eight or ten times before marriage .How much of the heart is really left to give to a spouse?

 The heart often is so wounded the person needs massive emotional healing just to get back to the place God intended him to be at the start of marriage. If that healing does not take place, imagine the turmoil that will ensue when two wounded fleas marry each other!
  In contrast, godly partnership seeks to reserve both the heart and body to be given only to the one God sends to be the marriage partner. In this strategy young people may spend lots of time together in groups, but they do not pair off as boy- friend/girlfriend and engage in romantic relationships with people they have no intention of marrying. The commitment of the son or daughter in this strategy is to preserve both the body and the heart (emotions) in wholeness and purity to be given only to a future husband or wife.

 A young woman I’ll call Sarah shared with me a powerful story. She was a Christian high school student who had been dating fairly regularly. One night she went out on a date to a movie with a young man. They kissed and hugged in the the­ ater, and she thought little of it until a few days later when she was reading Proverbs 31, which tells of the godly woman.
Verses 10-12 struck her in particular.

 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.
                                             —EMPHASIS ADDED

Sarah told the Lord, “I want to be a godly woman as described here.” Then she heard the Holy Spirit ask her, “Socan the heart of your husband trust in you? Are you doing him good and not evil all the days of your life?”

She responded, “Lord, I don’t have a husband yet. Fm only sixteen/'
Back came the next question,“When does it say you should do him good and not evil?”

 Sarah read verse 12 again.“All the days of my life,”she mused. “I guess I am already in ‘all the days of my life?”
“Yes，”she heard the Lord reply.“So are you doing your husband good and not evil?”
“Lord,I don’tknow. I don'tknow whomy husband is.”
“I do,”the Lord replied.“Was that young man you went to the movies with your husband?”
“He’s a nice guy,”she said,“but I don't think I’d marry him.” “So he’s not your husband?” queried the Lord.
“No,he will not be my husband,” Sarah replied.
The Lord then told her, “Here’s how you can tell if you are doing your husband good and not evil. What if the man who will be your husband had accompanied you on the date and observed your behavior with the other young man? How do you think he would have felt?”
Interjecting her future husband into the image of last week’s date totally changed the picture. “He would have felt very betrayed and hurt, I suspect,” she replied.
“Why?”asked the Lord,
 “Because I gave someone else what should have been reserved for him,” she said. “I get it. My kisses and my heart actually don't belong to me.They belong to You, Lord,forYou to hold in trust until my wedding day, when I give my whole heart and body to my husband.”
 Sarah repented of treating her body as if it were hers to give away. She received God’s forgiveness and then heard the Lord tell her, “Your heart and body do belong to Me, but your father is the human agent I have charged with guarding your heart and your body until your wedding day. On your wedding day your father will transfer the responsibility to protect you to your husband?
With this revelation Sarah never went on another date.
A year and a half later she met the man who was to be her husband, and on their wedding day she was able to present
him with a healed, whole, pureheart. To see the fruit of this kind of commitment,you may want to check out this short video clip of a bride on her wedding day returning to her father the purity ring he gave her when he blessed her puberty and released her to become a woman : http://www.familyfoundation.com/index.php/dating15.

Dating is good preparation for divorce
 I have heard some people say they thought dating was good preparation for marriage. So the idea is that a relationship with no long-term goal, based on physical attraction and rooted in self-gratification, and that ends as soon as one person is no longer pleasing is good preparation for marriage? I think not! This is excellent preparation for divorce. This system teaches young people nothing about marriage, which is a lifelong commitment to God’s purpose through unconditional, selfsacrificial, convenant love. Godly partnership is much better preparation for marriage. It helps teach young people to deny self and seek to bless others first.

Dating leaves virtuous young women to reject and fend off lustful young men.
 God never designed a woman to do this.God has assigned a father the job of protecting his daughter’s heart and virginity. When a father is not involved, a daughter must do this for her­ self. Unfortunately, since God did not design women to do this, she must harden her heart in order to continually say, “NO, NO,NO,NO,NO!”Do you think that a woman's disposition to protect herself emotionally and sexually instantly disappears on her wedding night?

Of course not! This may negatively affect her sexual and emotional relationship in marriage for years.

 Godly partnership, on the other hand, entails the father protecting his daughter. He is the door through which anyyoung man must come. In this strategy the daughter has her dad screen any young man with romantic interest in her. The father will then grant or deny the young man access to his daughter’s time or heart. Because she doesn’t have to harden her heart and reject him herself, her heart can be soft and vulnerable when she gives it to her husband in marriage.

Dating usually does not involve the counsel and agreement of parents.
 As I mentioned earlier, young people are blinded to the potential negative qualities of the person in whom they have a romantic interest. They need the benefit of another set of objective eyes, which parents can provide. Part of the

consequence of this Windness is the near 50 percent divorce rate we now have in most Western countries. In contrast, partnership takes advantage of the parents’ insight This strategy allows romantic interest to develop between two parties only when both the parents and child are in agreement. The children commit in advance not to give their hearts to anyone until they and their parents are in agreement that the individualis a potential marriage partner sent from God.

Dating results in more marriages that parents choose not to bless.
 Children brought up in the dating system usually don't ask parents before they enter into a romantic relationship. They usually announce only their intention to marry. At this point itis too late for the parents to have any valid input. Consequently parents are placed in the awkward position of being asked to bless something they don’t approve of. In contrast, godly part­ nership involves the parents before any romantic relationship begins. In this strategy there is a much greater chance that the parents will bless the marriage, especially when it is implemented from the time of the blessing at puberty.

 I highly suggest that you consider teaching your children the partnership strategy of managing romantic interests and potential  marriage  relationships  from  the  time  of  puberty.
This will ensure the greatest chance that you will be able to bless your children when they marry.

WHAT If MY CHILD WANTS TO MARRY SOMEONE 
I DON’T APPROVE OF?

 Heartbroken parents frequently asked me what to do when their adult child has announced plans to marry someone they don’t think is right for him. They wonder if they should go ahead and bless the marriage even if they disapprove of the child’s choice. I believe the parents’ blessing is so powerful to facilitate a successful marriage that I would recommend blessing the union if it is not morally wrong or a violation of your conscience.

 However, I believe that it is incumbent upon parents to tell their adult child why they think he should not marry the person he has chosen. After sharing their concerns, the parents should then allow the child to make his choice withoutmanipulation or control. If he chooses to marry, then I believe it is best for the parents to bless the marriage and receive the child’s choice of a spouse.

 The caveat is this: “if it is not immoral or a violation of the parents" conscience” If the child has chosen to enter into a same-sex, incestuous, adulterous,orpolygamousmarriage, then it would not be possible for me as a parent to bless the marriage or attend the ceremony. Such a marriage is not only unwise and distasteful but also morally wrong. As a parent you can bless a son or daughter who is making an unwise choice or one with which you don’t agree. But you cannot violate your moral convictions and bless a child’s sinful or immoral choice.

 I know a couple i’ll call Sam and Sharon. They were faced with this very dilemma with their son, John. When John was a senior in high school, he had an adulterous affair with his youth pastor’s wife. They ended the relationship soon after it was discovered；and John eventually spent a year out of the city. Yet when he returned to the city, the youth pastor’s wife divorced her husband and began seeing John. Sam and Sharon were appalled, and they counseled their son to end the relationship.

 He refused,and a short time later he announced tha the was going to marry this woman. He wanted his parents to attend the wedding, but Sam and Sharon were ingreat tur­moil. They loved their son, but they were convinced that John’s marriage to the youth pastor’s former wife would constitute adultery according to Mark 10:12 and Luke 16:18. After much prayer and many sleepless nights, Sam and Sharon concluded that they could neither Wess John in his marriage nor attend a ceremony celebrating his adultery.

 It broke Sam’s heart to tell his son this news,but he and Sharon could not violate their own consciences.Sam made it

clear to John that he and Sharon loved him deeply and accepted him as their son no matter what choices he made, but they could not attend his wedding. Sam and Sharon continued to maintain are lationship with John. Then about two years

later John went to his father for counsel during a very difficult time in his marriage. In that meeting John thanked his father for standing for what he believed even at the risk of jeopardizing their relationship, and for continuing to love and accept himdespitehischoices,Johnacknowledgedthathis parents had been right all along. He now saw his choices from God’s perspective and was humbled and repentant.

 In the case of Sam and Sharon, not attending the wedding and not violating their conscience was the best way to the best way to minister to their son at that time. However,if a marriage is not immoral, after lovingly sharing your concerns with your adult child, it is better for you to bless your childchoice, even though you disagree with it, than to withhold your blessing. If them arriage is immoral, you cannot bless the union or the child and retain a clear conscience before God.

 

God’s Protective Measures 
in Ancient Hebrew Culture

As at all the previous critical times of blessing, God estab­lished practices within ancient Hebrew culture that ensured almost every child received his parents‘ blessing when he married Four traditions and social norms stand out in particular:

 1. Marriages were primarily arranged by both setsof parents and thus were always blessed.
 2. Everyone in the society considered marriage a lifelong covenant, and sex outside of marriagewas a capital offense.
 3. The father was “the door” to his daughter's life and heart; therefore she did not have to protect herself from lustful     

     young men.
 4. Fathers taught their sons to protect, honor, and respect women, and society reinforced such attitudes.

 As distasteful as an arranged marriage would be to our Western minds today, I believe that God implemented this strategy in biblical Hebrew culture because it was so important to Him that every marriage be blessed by parents. Remember, one meaning of “to bless” is “to empower to prosper.” I believe God wanted to ensure that every marriage would be empowered to prosper.

 In ancient Hebrew culture divorce was a rarity, and virtually no one cohabited. An honorable man would never approach a young woman he was interested in directly; he would approach her father because Dad was the door he must pass through to even speak with the daughter. Even in our Western culture fathers served this role until the turn of the twentieth century. In the 1800s it was still common fora potential suitor to first approach a young woman’s father before he attempted to court her. This protected her from inappropriate suitors and lustful men.

 Because of these four protective practices, virtually all marriages and marriage partners in ancient Hebrew culture were blessed by both sets of parents. Unfortunately, because these practices have largely been abandoned today, there is a significant chance that a marriage will not beblessed or may even be cursed by parents and thus disempowered from prospering

                                                                        ***BLESSING TOOLBOX***

 In the following section we will look at some specific actions you can take and prayers you can pray over your children to help establish a culture of blessing at the time of marriage.

ACTION STEPS

    1. As parents, embrace the strategy of godly partnership rather than dating for the management of romantic
        relationships and marriage partner selection.

    2. Teach your children this strategy of godly partnership at the time of puberty and walk with them in      
        relationship throughout their teenage years.

REMEDIAL PRAYERS TO BREAK THE CURSE
 If you did not approve of your adult child’s marriage and spoke words to curse the marriage

   1. Repent of being the devil’s agent to speak his message into your chlld’s life.

You can pray something similar to this:

 Father, I recognize today that I was the devil's agent to send my child Satan’s identity message at the time of his marriage. Lord, I spoke words of death rather than words of life over [your child’s name]’s marriage. 
Today I renounce the sin of cursing my child's identity and marriage. I repent of doing so and turn completely away from it. I can't pay for my lack of blessing, but I recognize that Jesus Christ died to pay for my sin. Today I receive the blood of Jesus to pay for cursing my son/daughter’s identity and marriage, and because Jesus Christ paid for this sin, today I receive Your forgiveness. Father, because You have forgiven me, today I forgive myself for cursing [your child’s name]'s marriage.

   2. Meet with your child and acknowledge that you did not bless his marriage and ask for his forgiveness.

 I suggest that if botk parents are available, you do this together. If not, do so by yourself. It is important for you to choose your own words, but you may want to say something like: “We now realize that God called us as parents to bless your marriage. We did not do so. Instead we spoke words of death over your marriage. God has shown us that in so doing we sinned against you. Can you find it in your heart to forgive us? [Wait for an answer.] If you would allow us, we would now like to bless your marriage.”

   3. Now bless your child, his spouse, and their marriage.

I suggest that you pray over your child and his spouse together. You may pray something similar to this:

 Father, this day we accept the marriage of [your child’s name] and [your child's spouse's name]. We bless this marriage and declare that you shall prosper in your marriage and in every area of your life together. You shall fulfill your God-given destiny as a couple and shall find great fulfillment in accomplishing your purpose together. We declare that [your child’s name] is a wonderful husband/wife and will be used by God to bless his/her wife/husband. We declare that you shall prosper in your relationship with each other We declare that you both shall be quick to forgive and bless each other. 

 You shall prosper in your physical health. The fruit of your womb shall prosper. Your children shall love God with all their hearts. We bless your work and your finances and declare that you shall prosper financially. You shall find great favor with your employer and your friends. This day we release you to leave your father and mother spiritually and emotionally and to be joined to your wife/husband to become one flesh in Christ. We love you, and this day webless you. We bless [your child’s spouse’s name], we bless your marriage, and we release you to fulfill all that God has called you to accomplish as a couple, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

If you realize you have not released your son or daughter emotionally

  1. Repent before God of not releasing your son or daughter 
You may want to pray something like this:

 Father, I recognize today that I have not emotionally released my child to be joined to his/her spouse. I recognize that this has hindered him/her from properly becoming one with his/her spouse.Today I repent of keeping [your child's name] in emotional and spiritual bondage to me.I ask You to forgive me for not releasing him/her sooner. I receive Your forgiveness. Right now, in the name of Jesus Christ,
I release [your child’s name] to leave me spiritually and emotionally and to be joined to his/her spouse.
I bless [your child's name]’s marriage and declare that these two shall become one flesh and shall prosper in Jesus’s name, amen.

   2. Meet with your child and ask him to forgive you.

  Again, I suggest that if both parents are available, you do this together. If not, do so by yourself. It is important for you to choose your own words,but you may want to saysomething
like this:  “We now realize that we have not spiritually and emotionally released you to be joined to your wife/husband. Will you please forgive us?[Wait for an answer] We would now like to release you and bless you to be joined to your wife/husband.”

   3. Bless your child and his spouse now and their marriage together.

You may wish to speak ablessing over your married chil­ dren like the one outlined above.

PREVENTATIVE PRAYERS TO RELEASE THE BLESSING
Bless your child on his wedding day to release him to be joined to his spouse and to bless his marriage. You may want to pray something like this over your child:

 [Your child’s name],today on your wedding day we are so proud of you.God has prepared you for this day and for your life as a married man/woman. You have everything you need to be a wonderful husband/wife. Today, as your parents, we release you spiritually and emotionally and bless you to bejoined to [your child;s spouse's name], to begin anew family and to become one flesh in Christ. We promise to stand with you and to fight for your covenant of marriage all the days of your life. We pray God’s richest blessing over your life together.

 For a daughter, you may wish to address the groom and release your daughter to him as his wife. The father may also want to say, “I have protected and covered [your daughter’s name] in spiritual authority all of her life until this day.

Today I turn that responsibility over to you. We charge you to love [your daughter’s name], cherish her, to protect her, and provide for her, even as Christ does for His bride, the church. We promise to pray for you and your marriage regularly. We are delighted to receive you in to our family and to call you our son-in-law?”

  A father may also want to affirm his son,telling him,“Son, on this your wedding day we are proud to call you our son.
You are prepared in every way to be a great husband, to lead your family spiritually,emotionally, andfinancially.

We have every confidence that you will succeed and prosper as a husband, a father, and a man.”

 

You may then wish to declare the following blessing over your child and his or her future spouse:

 We bless your marriage and declare that you shall prosper in every area of your life together. You shall fulfill your God-given destiny as a couple and find great fulfillment in accomplishing your purpose together. We declare that you will be used by God to bless your wife/husband. We declare that you shall prosper in your relationship with each other. We declare that you both shall be quick to forgive and bless each other.
 You shall prosper in your physical health.The  fruit of your womb shall prosper.Your children shall love God with all their hearts. We bless your work and your finances and declare that you shall prosper financially. You shall find great favor with your employer and your friends. We love you, and this day we bless you. We bless [your child’s spouse's name], we bless your marriage, and we release you to fulfill all that God has called you to accomplish as a couple, in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. Amen!