Section (3) of Ch.2. (The Power of a Parent’s Blessing)

THREE CRITICAL COMPONENTS OF DISCIPLINE

 Many years ago I learned that in order to create a culture of blessing and separate identity from behavior in dealing with my children, I would have to learn to implement the three components of family governance conveyed in Proverbs 6:23. This scripture tells us, "For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is light; and reproofs for discipline are the way of life." So we see that the three components of discipline are:

 1. A commandment
 2. A teaching
 3. A reproof

 The first component—the commandment—is to ensure I have clearly conveyed to my child what is expected of him. If I discipline my child for something I never told him he was supposed to do, it will wound his heart and create confusion.
So the first step is to clearly state what is required of the child. Second comes the teaching. It is important to explain to the child in age-appropriate language why this rule is important. If you give a child a command without explaining why it exists, that child will learn to obey only when you are around to apply a consequence. Yet if a child learns the wisdom behind the command, he can chose to obey that command not because he fears punishment but because he understands the purpose for the restriction.

 The third component is reproof. This is the application of a consequence when a command is violated. Remember, God governs by offering choices with consequences. The reproof is that consequence. If a parent never establishes or applies a consequence for violating a command, he makes the rule of none effect in his children's lives and teaches them that the parent's command means nothing.

 Many parents fail to separate identity from behavior and bless their children when they discipline (thus disciplining their children in anger) for three simple and practical reasons. Some never learned God's system of governance. Others understand the system but fail to détermine in advance which decisions to leave to the child's discretion and which ones require boundaries with enforceable consequences. Still other parents set boundaries and teach their children the purpose for the commands but then wrongly assume their offspring will naturally obey.

 Unfortunately it is human nature to test given boundaries. So if parents don't plan in advance where to set boundaries and which consequences to apply when—not if their children test the boundaries and violate the command, they are left scrambling trying to decide what to do.

 When parents haven't thought through what consequence to apply when a child violates a boundary, it is very easy for them to slip into Satan's governing method by cursing the child's identity in an attempt to control his behavior. This then results in heated emotional exchanges, especially with teenagers, and serves to create an environment of cursing rather than blessing. This has led to great emotional damage in many families, with both the parents and the children basically attempting to tolerate one another. In more severe situations this wounding leads to a deep dislike or hatred. Let me give you an example.