Section (1) of Ch.9. (The Power of a Parent’s Blessing)

BLESSING YOUR CHILD AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE

 We now come to the sixth critical time of blessing in the life of a son or daughter. This is the blessing God intended to occur at the time of marriage. Not every son or daughter is called by God to be married, but most are. Just as a significant transition occurs at puberty from childhood to adulthood, another important transition takes place at the time of marriage from single life to married life. I believe God intended for every marriage to be blessed by both sets of parents. However, for many reasons in our culture today many couples are not blessed in marriage by their parents.

KEY ROLE PLAYER

 Both parents play a key role in blessing their children's marriage and releasing their son or daughter to be joined to a spouse. Either parent has the ability to bless and release or to curse and retain. This is why we have found it very important to include parents in the marriage preparation process. If parents understand their scriptural role to bless and release, it will make the transition from single life to married life much easier for the newly married couple.

KEY QUESTION TO BE ANSWERED

 The key questions to be answered by God or Satan at the time of marriage are: Am I really loveable? Do I really have what it takes to be someone's wife/husband? Will anyone love me and stick with me in covenant long-term? Since marriage is a lifelong covenant, many people experience great fear about choosing the right person.

 Parents have an opportunity at this time to tell their son or daughter, "Yes, you are completely adequate and prepared to be a husband/wife. You have everything you need spiritually, emotionally, and physically. We have prayed since the day you were born for God to bring you His choice of a wife/husband, and now He has. This is the right person at the right time, and we bless your marriage and future life together.“

 Unfortunately many parents are unable to bless the marriage of their son or daughter with integrity because they don't truly believe the bride- or groom-to-be is God's choice or that their child is ready to marry. Thus many parents are faced with the dilemma of either blessing a marriage they don't really believe in or withholding their blessing.

 It was so important to God that parents bless their children's marriage that He put a protective provision in ancient Hebrew culture that made it almost impossible for a marriage not to be blessed by parents. In biblical Hebrew culture the parents were deeply involved in selecting their children's marriage partner. In some cases the parents chose their son's or daughter's spouse without giving their child much choice. Since the parents chose the marriage partners, they virtually always approved of the marriage.

 I am not suggesting that we return to arranged marriages. I am merely making the point that it was so important to God that parents bless the marriage of their children that He made it almost impossible for that not to happen in biblical Hebrew culture. Even in our culture today I believe God wants families to learn to partner together in managing romantic relationships and selecting a marriage partner. If parents and their son or daughter are praying and seeking God together for God to bring His choice of a marriage partner, there is a much better chance the parents will bless the marriage than if the parents are not involved in the process. When sons and daughters manage their own romantic relationships and potential marriage partner selection process in isolation from their parents, there is a much greater chance that son or daughter will miss God's plan for a marriage partner.

BLESSING AND CURSING AT THE TIME OF MARRIAGE

 Almost every culture in the world embraces the concept of marriage in some form. In most cultures the blessing of the parents at a wedding plays a key role in releasing the newly married couple to prosper in their new life together.

Blessing at the time of marriage may include the following key components:
 1. Both sets of parents being in agreement with their son or daughter about the choice of mar- riage partner and the     

    timing of the marriage

 2. Both sets of parents attending the wedding ceremony and blessing the marriage

 3. Each set of parents joyfully receiving the new son-/daughter-in-law as a part of their family

 4. Both sets of parents willingly releasing their son/ daughter spiritually and emotionally to be joined to a wife/husband

     to become a new family unit

Cursing at the time of marriage may entail such things as:

1. Either or both sets of parents disagreeing with their child's choice of a marriage partner or with the timing of the     

    marriage, and maintaining that

    the person is the wrong choice and the marriage won't last

2. Either or both sets of parents refusing to attend the wedding ceremony and refusing to bless or actively cursing the     

    marriage of their son/ daughter

3. Either or both sets of parents rejecting the new son-/daughter-in-law and refusing to receive him/ her into their family

4. Either or both sets of parents refusing to allow their son/daughter to emotionally or spiritually leave father and mother,

    thus blocking their child from appropriately being joined to the wife/hus- band as a new family unit

 

POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES OF BLESSING AND CURSING IN MARRIAGE

 Let's now look at some of the consequences of blessing and cursing in marriage. When both sets of parents bless a marriage, it usually brings the children a greater sense of peace and security. They have nothing to prove to their parents and are able to let the Holy Spirit lead them in their marriage.

 On the other hand, when parents 'have cursed their children's marriage, the children are highly motivated to disprove the problems the parents foresaw. If the parents have said such things as, "This marriage won't last six months," "You're marrying the wrong person," or "You're too young to get married," then children will commonly want to prove them wrong.

 

 When parents make statements such as these-words that curse the identity of a son or daughter-the child's soul will certainly be out of peace. Because the adult child is working to disprove the parents' words, his heart is not free to be led by the Holy Spirit in marriage. Instead the flesh is continually motivating the child to bring peace to his soul by proving the parents wrong. Both individuals in the marriage then labor under the curse of the parents to attempt to disprove their words.

 A second consequence is that children who were not blessed by their parents in marriage usually don't develop a friendship with their parents and therefore can't enjoy a close relationship with them throughout their adult lives. This may strain the relationship with any grandchildren who may be born.

BLESSING LOOSES WHILE CURSING BINDS

 Yet another consequence of parents not blessing an adult child's marriage is that the married son or daughter cannot properly leave the parents and be joined to a wife or husband. Blessing tends to give the child the spiritual and emotional ability to leave father and mother, while cursing tends to bind the heart of a child spiritually and emotionally to the parents. In ministering to thousands of married couples through the years, I have discovered that much marital conflict is rooted in an inability to properly cleave (be joined) to a spouse because the individual's heart never spiritually and emotionally left his parents. (See Genesis 2:24.) When one doesn't leave, it is impossible to cleave. Obviously this is not a geographic leaving but a spiritual and emotional one.

 God designed men to be secure in their masculine identity through their parents' blessing and then to lead, protect, and fight for their wives. Yet a man who has not been blessed by his parents will usually look to his wife to make him feel like a man. Such a man will not lead, protect, and fight for his wife. Instead he will protect himself, fight with his wife, and abdicate his leadership in the family.

 God designed a woman to trust her husband to protect and fight for her, thus allowing her to respect and submit to him. A woman who has never been blessed by her parents will usually not trust her husband because she could not trust her father. Because of this distrust, she will neither respect nor submit to her husband. Instead she will protect herself, fight with her husband, and undermine or usurp his authority in the family.

 As I have ministered to married couples, I have found that many times a primary mechanism that binds the heart of an adult child to a parent is the child's judgment and bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 tells us that bitterness in my heart will defile not only me but many other people as well. How does this work?

 Unfortunately the human soul is like a camera and reproduces deep inside the image of its focus. You cannot focus your camera on the lion at the zoo but desire and expect the camera to produce a photo of the elephant. You will get a picture of the lion upon which you focused the camera, not the elephant you desired. Desire does not produce image; emotional focus does. Judgment and bitterness create deep inside an emotional focus on the very quality judged in another, regardless of the intention to produce in one's own life just the opposite. Thus while growing up, if a child is treated with injustice and cursing and is never blessed by parents, he may judge and isolate from his parents in his heart.

 This child then goes into marriage with an image deep in the heart containing negative qualities judged in a parent. Because of the principle of sowing and reaping (every seed reproduces after its own kind), this image has potential to reproduce in the life of the adult child the very qualities hated in the parent. Or worse yet, an adult child may tend to view his marriage partner through the negative image of the judged parent, thus creating an unconscious expectation that the spouse will become just like the parent. This seed of bitterness in the heart then may reproduce in the marriage partner the exact qualities judged in a parent. Let me give you a practical example.