Grace is greater Ch.6.

 Ch.6. More Prevailing Than Your Vengeance
                 Prevailing > Your Vengeance

 If you’re in ministry, some people won’t like you. At all.

 Who would’ve guessed you could get in trouble by talking incessantly about someone people were so desperate to get rid of that they nailed him to a cross?

 It’s something they don’t tell you in seminary or include on church job descriptions, but it’s true. I get plenty of encouragement, and I’m thankful for that, but I’ve also received my fair share of hate mail. It was from someone out of state who listened to my sermons online. What he wrote crossed the line from harsh critique to just hateful. Honestly, it was so extreme I found it kind of entertaining. I thought my father, who had spent most of his life in ministry as well, might also get a laugh out of it and help me keep things in perspective, so I forwarded it to him.

 About ten minutes later I received an email back from my dad. Actually, he forwarded me an email -  it was the response he had just sent to the person who wrote the hateful email to me. My dad, who is one of the kindest and gentlest men you could ever meet, took it upon himself to send a strongly worded email to this man in defense of me. Though I had not asked him to, my dad had stood up for me.

 As I read my dad’s email to this man I was a little embarrassed. As a grown man I didn’t necessarily want my dad coming to the playground to talk to one of the mean kids. But in hindsight, I should’ve expected that he would be quick to defend me and want to protect me. That’s what loving dad do.

                      But What If It’s Personal

 Looking back, I realize I wasn’t really offended by the hate-filled email because I didn’t know the person who wrote it. It didn’t make me bitter and it was easy to forgive the guy because I had no connection to him. But what about when it’s personal? What do you do when someone intentionally tries to hurt you, and it’s someone you know, someone you counted on, someone you trusted, someone you loved?

Let’s be more specific. How do you forgive: 

   Your ex who has tried to make your life miserable?
   The nasty neighbor who has made living in your home a nightmare?
   A mom who constantly yelled at you and put you down?
   Your father who seems completely oblivious to your existence?
   The friend who betrayed you?
   Your coworker who is cruel and manipulate?
   Your spouse who cheated on you?
   The relative who abused you?

 Of course you’re hurt. Of course you’re angry. But in the Bible Paul tells us, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph. 4:26). It’s natural to get angry; sometimes it’s even appropriate. But when anger turns into bitterness it becomes toxic. We need to get rid of it. After enough setting suns, those feelings can become a part of you. What was done to you begins to shape your identity. What was said to you begins to define you. We can find ourselves held prisoner not by something we did in the past but by what someone did to us.

 So it’s not too difficult, at least on an intellectual level, for us to agree with Paul’s direction to get rid of anger and bitterness. Of course that’s the right decision. If a doctor diagnosed you with cancer, you would tell the doctor, “Get rid of it!” If you refuse to give grace, be warned that the tumor of bitterness will mutate and multiply. It’s only a matter of time until the anger metastasizes into every area of your life.

 In the previous chapter we talked about how we need to get rid of our anger and bitterness. That’s part of the forgiveness process, but forgivenness needs to go further. It’s more than just dealing with you feelings, it’s forgiving someone specific. It’s one thing to release some emotions that are hurting you, it’s another thing to release the person who hurt you. Is there a name and a face that come to your mind?

 Remember what we’ve said: grace flows. That’s the nature of it. If it doesn’t flow, it isn’t grace. We can’t keep God’s grace for ourselves and refuse to give it to someone else. But, practically speaking, how do we do that?  Where do we go from there? How do we actually forgive someone?

 I know these answers will run the risk of sounding naive. You may be tempted to dismiss them as too simplistic. But don’t confuse simple with easy. There is nothing easy about the next steps on this journey of grace.

                           Acknowledge It

 For all his talk about getting rid of anger and extending forgiveness and grace, you may wonder if Paul ever had to live this out in real life. It’s easy to pass on pious-sounding platitudes about forgiveness . . . if you’ve never had to really forgive anyone. Maybe that’s the deal with Paul. Maybe he doesn’t really know what he’s talking about because he’s never had to do it. It’s hard to take someone like that seriously.

 No, Paul had people who intentionally hurt him. He was on the receiving end of more than just an occasional harshly worded email. There are a number of examples of people causing him pain, but there are two I especially want to point out.

 Some of the books Paul wrote in the Bible were to churches. For example, in the last few chapters we have been looking at a letter Paul wrote to the church in the city of Ephesus (modernday Turkey) that is called Ephesians. There are other books in the New Testament that Paul wrote to specific church leaders. Sometimes it’s helpful to match up a letter Paul wrote to a church with a letter he wrote to the leader of that church. In this case, 1 and 2 Timothy are the letters Paul wrote to Timothy who was the leader of the church in Ephesus.

 In 2 Timothy Paul writes about a guy named Alexander who had caused him some pain. He doesn’t go into detail but simply says, “Alexander the coppersmith did me much harm” (2 Tim. 4:14 NLT). Another translation put it, “He did great evil against me.” Paul doesn’t get caught up in recounting and complaining about everything that was done to him, but one thing we learn from him here is that you have to acknowledge you’re hurt.

 Sometimes we pretend nothing happened, seeking to sweep the hurt under the rug. That doesn’t work. You cannot forgive what you refuse to acknowledge.

                          Release My Rights

 Once I acknowledge what has been done to me, my first instinct is to do something in return. I need to even the score. I have a right to retaliate. I have a right to retribution. I have a right to take revenge. I acknowledge the deficit and now I’m ready to collect. That seems like the next step in getting over the hurt someone has caused.

 After acknowledging the great harm that Alexander did to him, Paul continues, “but the Lord will judge him for what he has done” (v.14 NLT).

 Paul doesn’t minimize the hurt that was done to him. He simply releases his right to take revenge. He’s signing a waiver on his right to retaliate.  This is different than releasing his feelings of anger and rage; he’s releasing the offender over to God.

 There’s something within us that thinks, I’ll forgive when I get even. When I make them feel the way they made me feel, I can forgive. But that’s not forgiveness, that’s revenge. The Bible says in Rom. 12:19, “Do not take revenge . . . but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Justice is God’s job. When we insist on holding on to our right to get even, we put ourselves in God’s place. It’s way of saying, “God, I don’t think you can handle this. I don’t trust you to take care of me. So I am going to deal with this situation myself.”

 Reading that verse in Rom.12 reminds me of my dad’s response to the guy who sent me the hate-filled email. In a sense I released the critic’s email to my father and left room for his wrath. He read it and said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay.” I didn’t even want him to do that, but as a loving father he couldn’t help himself.

 In the last chapter I mentioned how we can keep playing back the episode of what was done to us, like a favorite movie recorded on our DVR. The problem is that with each playback the weight of what was done to us increases. There comes a point when we have to decide, “The weight is too heavy for me to carry. I’m not going to let what that person did to me continue to wear me down. So, God, I release it to you.” We’re not just releasing the pain of what was done but also releasing the person who did it.

 I do want you to notice why Paul is writing about this hurtful man to Timothy. Paul writes in the next verse, “Be careful of him, for he fought against everything we said” (2 Tim.4:15 NLT). Paul has released his rights but he’s protective of Timothy. He may forgive Alexander but he doesn’t trust him. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily equate to trust. Just because you give up your right to take revenge doesn’t mean that the person doesn’t need to be held accountable. If a crime was committed against you, this doesn’t mean you don’t report it. It doesn’t mean the person doesn’t need to answer to the law. It also doesn’t mean you move forward and trust the person as if nothing happened. It may be that you need to put up some wise boundaries moving into the future. Paul acknowledges what was done and releases it to God, but then sets up some appropriate boundaries to prevent future harm. We may need to do the same.

                        Pray for Your Enemies

 Paul then goes on to give another example of when he has been hurt. He writes, “The first time I was brought before the judge, no one came with me. Everyone abandoned me” (v.16 NLT). Again, Paul acknowledges the offense. Paul is likely talking here about a trial when he had to stand in front of the Roman authorities. Nero, the Roman Emperor, was doing everything he could to destroy the church and put an end to Christianity. Paul is referencing a trial where his life was literally on the line. In that moment of need, no one showed up. He had loved and served and poured his life into people, and none of them came to support him.

 Maybe you know what that’s like. You know the pain of counting on someone who let you down. You trusted your heart with someone, and they gave it back to you in little pieces. This is a different kind of hurt, because it comes from someone you trust.

 With Paul, I get the sense that he wasn’t especially close to Alexander the coppersmith. But the people who didn’t show up at his trial were friends he was close to and cared about. And the more intimate the relationship, the more devastating the hurt can be.

 I mentioned that as I prepared for this book I asked Facebook friends to share with me their stories of forgiving someone who hurt them. There were dozens and dozens of stories from people who were betrayed by someone they trusted, but there was one story that was different. It wasn’t from the person who was betrayed, it was from the person who did the betraying. Here’s her story:

 I grew up in the church. I knew what was expected of me as a moral person and as a follower of Christ. I met Bill at the  park and our relationship quickly went from friendship to so much more. Our selfish desires were more detrimental due    to him being married. We made attempts to be honorable and end it but selfishness prevailed. Then our secret became    tangible. I was pregnant . . . a pregnancy test in my hand convicted me of my sin. I did love him, but I offered to        leave the area and not disrupt his life further. I felt more culpable in our situation because I had knowingly              disregarded God’s voice. He made his decision to reveal the betrayal and ask for a divorce. They had been together for    eight years with no children.

 It turns out Bill’s wife was named Lisa. Can you imagine how devastated Lisa must have been to find out her husband was cheating on her? Not only that, but this other woman would be having his baby – and on top of all that her husband wanted a divorce. Can you imagine? Sadly, some of you don’t have to.

 Paul is writing about feeling betrayed. He loved and sacrificed for these people and they all deserted him. How does he feel about them now? He writes, “May it not be held against them” (v.16). In fact, he doesn’t just release his right to take revenge, he says a prayer for them, hoping that their sin won’t be held against them. It’s the same prayer we saw with Stephen in Acts 7, and with Jesus on the cross. It’s what Jesus taught all of us to do in Luke 6:27-28: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

 Maybe you read that, and attach the name and face of the person who mistreated you, and it sounds impossible. “Wait, you mean I’m supposed to pray for the person who hurt me?” Yes. In fact, I’d say this will do more to get you down the path of forgiveness and grace than anything else.

 In 1960, Ruby Bridges became the first African American to attend an all-white school. She was six years old. She was selected as one of four first-graders to integrate two elementary schools. Unfortunately, she was sent to integrate one – William Frantz Public School in Louisiana – all by herself. On her first day several hundred protestors gathered outside. She saw one carrying a black doll in a coffin. She was spit on and cursed at, and her life was threatened. She saw a doctor, Dr. Robert Coles, to help her deal with some of the pain of what she was going through. He couldn’t understand how she coped so well with everything going one. He couldn’t understand why she didn’t seem to be angry or bitter or depressed.

 One morning Ruby’s teacher watched Ruby stop in front of the angry mob that was cursing at her, and she saw Ruby’s lips moving. She told Dr. Coles about it. Later, when he met with Ruby again, he asked what she was saying to the crowd. Ruby said, “I wasn’t talking to them. I was praying for them.” Ruby later wrote in her memoir, Through My Eyes, “My mother and our pastor always said, ‘You have to pray for enemies and people who do you wrong,’ and that’s what I did.” Dr. Coles points out that Ruby’s parents could not read or write but they taught her to do what Jesus said to do. Jesus said to pray for your enemies, so that’s what she did. That’s what allowed her to get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger.

 We need to do what Jesus said to do. If we’re going to forgive and let grace flow, we need to pray for our enemies. You may be at a place where you won’t even consider doing what Jesus said to do, but I’d encourage you to remember it’s also what Jesus did for you. He prayed for the people who put him on the cross.

                            Lean on Him

 Paul briefly shares with Timothy how he was wronged but also how God gave him the strength he needed.

 

 But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength so that I might preach the Good News in its entirety for all the          Gentiles to hear. And he rescued me  from certain death.
Yes, and the Lord will deliver me from every evil attack and  will bring me safely into his heavenly Kingdom. All glory to    God forever and ever! Amen. (2 Tim. 4:17-18 NLT)

 How do you forgive? You choose to release it, you pray for your enemy, and, I think probably most importantly, you recognize that God is standing with you – and he will have the final word.

 Paul concedes that the people he was counting on let him down, and he says, “The Lord stood with me and gave me strength”(v.17). Some of you understand what Paul is expressing. There was a time in your life when people you cared about seemed absent, but it was then that God seemed most present. When you felt the most betrayed and abandoned, you discovered God was right there standing with you and you were able to lean on him.

 Paul looks back now on the hurt that was done to him and he is able to see that God was not only with him but that God used him to preach the Good News. God brings about good from the bad that was done to Paul. It makes it easier to forgive someone when you can have confidence that what they meant for evil God can work for good.

 Which reminds me . . . I was telling you about Lisa, the wife whose husband told her he was cheating, and the other woman was pregnant, and he wanted a divorce. I asked if you could imagine how devastated she must have been. Here’s another question: How does a person respond to something like that? Here’s how Lisa responded (remember, this came from “the other woman”):

 When Bill told Lisa of our relationship, the pregnancy, and essentially the end of her life as she knew it, she was          undoubtedly devastated. Do you know what she did after she watched her life come crumbling down around her? She      called me to say that she didn’t hate me . . . and that while    she would surely go through some tough times in the near    future . . . after all was said and done . . . her prayer was that somehow we could all still be family. She later asked me if she could be Aunt Lisa to the baby.
  
 I couldn’t comprehend it. All these years later, I still can’t.

How? Who has such strength? Who has such grace? While we certainly deserved the wrath of a woman who never deserved such treatment, after our son was born there was a friendship and true love that flowed with reserve.

 Bill didn’t know Jesus. He still doesn’t. But Lisa and I began to pray together for him. We prayed that he would come to  see the love and grace of Jesus through everything that happened.

 Her grace humbles me daily. There are no words for her forgiveness. I guess the only word is Jesus. Her strength, her  mercy, her grace are only a mere inkling of what Jesus offers.

This woman, who betrayed Lisa, is right. No one has that kind of strength, that kind of grace. That didn’t come from Lisa. That came from Jesus to Lisa and Lisa just let it flow.

                          A Loving Father 

God is a loving father you can lean on when you have no one else. No matter what you go through, you don’t have to go through it alone.

 OK, before I end this chapter, I have to tell you the end of the story of my dad coming to my defense and emailing the guy who had sent me the hateful email. A few hours after he forwarded me his email to this guy, my dad sent me another email. He felt bad for speaking on my behalf without my permission and wanted to apologize if he had overstepped as a father to an adult son.

Here’s what he wrote:

   Dear Kyle,
  I wanted to apologize to the man who sent you that email. I know that’s not what you were wanting when you shared    that with me. I am sure the reason I felt compelled to respond was because I felt the sting that he intended for  you.

On the rare occasion a criticism like this has been directed at me, I do much better at responding with patience and a sense of humor, but when it comes at my son, I can’t  help but rush to the battle line. I love who you are, son.

Don’t change. Keep growing. I won’t respond any further and I would  encourage you to let this go as well.

   Love, Dad.

 My dad is for me. He’s in my corner. If someone comes at me and my dad finds out about it, whether I like it or not, whether I’m embarrassed by it or not, they’re going to have to deal with him as well. There is never any question whose side he’s going to land on. He is always for me. He is always on my side.

 I don’t know if you have an earthly father like that, but I know you have a heavenly Father. Let him deal with your hurts. Release the person over to God and trust God to deal with the person. Lean on him. He’s got your back.